You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

As a general rule, I try to ignore what They have to say. You know They. They never want you to do anything fun because it will give you (in order) gonorrhea, herpes, cirrhosis, AIDS, lung cancer and death. And then, in the meantime, very sneakily, as it is giving us hepatitis A, it will also kill the American Family, which, apparently, is all that stands between us and creeping Frenchness.

Needless to say, They are wrong with a level of regularity and absolute certainty that most scientists would dismiss as implausible. The loudness of the music did not make me deaf, standing that close to the TV did not damage my eyes, the number of accidental scissors-related impalings approaches statistical insignificance... They can gloat about Judas Priest making me want to kill myself, but it wasn't because of the lyrical content, like They kept saying; it was because I was just that desperate to not have to hear any more Judas Priest. Luckily I had the presence of mind to turn the loaded gun I was playing with on the radio instead of myself.

The power of They to form conventional wisdom compared to the actual influence They seem to have on the habits and decision-making of actual people is quite a striking contrast. Suffice it to say, They tend to have certain political leanings, even if every once in a while They manage to draft a Tipper Gore into their midst. According to what They keep telling us, we should be an impoverished totalitarian state overrun by mongrel races, groveling and cowering before any and all foes who shake the whip hand at us, and we're clearly... OK, not clearly, but then it doesn't really matter because if you point out that how They said we'd turn out if we didn't listen to Them vs. what is, they always just say it's because Ronald Reagan saved us. That's one aspect of Them I don't get: they sure have a bug up their asses about Reagan, running around all the time with their hair on fire, frothing at the mouth, swearing loudly and to the death that they will avenge his... complete and total victories on almost every point of policy?

One thing They DID say, I want to tell you, has absolutely come to pass, I realize, and this is why I am here today.

It turns out that MTV did, indeed, kill my attention span. They warned me. It didn't also turn me into a Satanist, but I fear now that that's only a matter of time. I'm already contemplating a sweet-ass pointy Verbal Kint haircut. How far away can goat leggings and altar sex be?

My ability to concentrate is just not there, just like They told me it wouldn't be. It must have been all those flashy edited cuts and shaky camera work on early MTV that did it.

For example, I clearly can't keep up a blog anymore.

Second, despite the temptation to watch new TV shows, I just can't quite seem to push myself to commit to watching a weekly series where I have to wait an entire seven days to see a new episode. The newest show on my DVR is House, but I only got into that when they started running in 24/7 on USA Network and I could sit there and marinate in Hugh Laurie's rich American brogue all at once, no waiting. Those new cop shows Southland and The Unusuals look pretty good, but... eh... better to wait until they're cancelled and pick up all 11 to 13 episodes of each on DVD and just blow through them both in a weekend.

I see the end of that new show Better Off Ted before I watch Lost on my DVR (the rare exception to the rule) and even with that cute as a button lady from the awful Joey show, just the thought of having to wait week to week to watch something... my God, the concentration that would require. The patience. Who am I, Jesus?

So They win this one. They got me. I could not function in the society they would have me live in where Leave it to Beaver happens on its own schedule, complete with unskippable commercials (you know, to fight off the Communist itch). Oh, you remember: that society that is dead and gone and has no potential--or even possibilty--of returning. Turns out I'd be very unhappy there. Poor me. I suppose.