I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

For the most part, I'd say Jesus and me, we get along OK. He doesn't hassle me when I stray into agnostic sciento-philosophical metaphysics about the origins of life and the universe that preclude designed divine creation/intervention and I don't ask hard questions about him and Mary Magdalene. Judging by the lack of lightning bolts and the general wellbeing of my plague-free firstborn son, I'd say things are going well.

Where we will occasionally tiff is on the sillier aspects of faith-having, namely in the dietary restrictions. Now, I get that what-not-to-eat is a common aspect of all human faiths in some form or another. For the most part, I would say the origins are probably practical. The whole idea of keeping kosher, one assumes, has as much to do with avoiding foodborne disease ("unclean") amongst a people whose cultural origins vastly predate both refrigeration and antibiotics as it does with holy commandment. Somewhere along the way, somebody lost the code book that kept the two realms of thought separate and an understandable conflation occurred, probably encouraged by the Diaspora and the need to mark a cohesive community while scattered amongst the nations of the world. Thus, a nice shrimp cocktail as AGAINST GOD'S LAW seems a little extreme, but you can see how it has and continues to serve its purpose.

That's with total prohibition. I have a little more trouble with the occasional type. I guess the occasional denial of our cravings can focus the senses, break our routines and inspire introspection and self-awareness by forcing us to concentrate on things that generally require no thought past "I want..." But the AGAINST GOD'S LAW part loses me a little bit. Lent ended today and I did, on occasion, have meat on the Fridays. I've been really good about it the last few years, but this year, with everything that has gone on, I guess I'm in a more questioning mood. I mean, really, I have NO leeway for one year for the occasional roast beef sandwich to ring in the weekend? And that's one of the (many) tickets to hell?

That said, I know that rationalizations come easiest to those who transgress. But still, if I'm off the Saved! list for that, I guess I can go back to the OxyContin, neighbor-coveting and sodomy without fear of further Wrath Of.

And that, my friends, is the problem with Damnation: it really only comes in one flavor. Sunday School says it doesn't matter if you spend eternity buffeted about by unpleasant winds or perpetually raped by Satan's Pitchfork in the lowest circle with Judas Iscariot, Osama bin Laden and Ralph Nader (we remember 2000, Ralph!) because Hell just means "separation from God's love."

All things being equal, though, and if they're taking requests, I'd prefer the winds.