LTR

Here’s exactly what I want from morning radio: prank calls, sniggering about boobies, pre-scripted puns, interspersed sound drops from popular comedy movies, thinly veiled elito-racism, celebrity gossip from an unashamed straight dude and just a soupçon of unintendedly ironic homophobia from a show named after two guys, one of whom goes by a nickname. These are things that entertain me in between dropping my kids off and arriving at work.

What I really don’t need is a barrage of advertisement for websites designed to hook me up into a specifically adulterous relationship. I’m not going to name the site (I don’t really need those linkers), but apparently now there are dating websites specifically catering to those of us in long-term relationships.

I personally find these advertisements morally offensive. Marriage used to mean something in this country. It stood for purity and honor and strength and commitment; society bonded at its lowest level, like atoms in a molecule in a cell in tissue in a muscle that moves the great body that is the U.S. of A. I’m thinking maybe a deltoid or perhaps a Kegel.

It also used to be a great motivator of deeds. Married men would start from nothing, work extra hours, go to night school, kiss the right asses, become men of worth and social leadership just so they would have a secretary they could discreetly schtupp while wifey slowly blinded herself alone at home with alcohol and Percocet.

Our entire economy was built on just such an enterprise. Think of the businesses not being built by a wild desire for strange, not to mention the catastrophic downturn in the alcohol and Percocet markets. And now… now, we click a couple of buttons on a webpage and we’re meeting dominatrices at hotel bars within hours with an implied consent to fornicate without prior personal knowledge.

If you want to know what’s wrong with America, there it is right there: we don’t earn anything anymore. Turn away from these sites, America. Find what made us great again. I’m not saying you can’t betray your spouses and destroy your families. I’m just asking you to earn it. It’s the same call to service I think President Obama would approve of.