It helps if you hum "Battle Hymn of the Republic" while reading toward the end

GM is dying, Chrysler is dying and, if I extrapolate projected product quality based on the charms of the 1990 Ford Escort I drove fifteen years ago, I expect the announcment of Ford's demise within the hour.

As Americans, we have reached a crossroads. Very shortly we face the real possibility that every car available for purchase will be a FOREIGN car. No more will we be able to walk into a gigantor floodlight-lit auto supermall and demand the right to put ourselves into tens of thousands of dollars of debt for a stylistically and technologically mediocre product assembled in Guatemala from parts made in South Korea, proudly stamped PONTIAC or DODGE or something similarly stirring. Nothing is more American than leveraging low foreign labor cost borne out of treaties and trade agreements that countenance abuse of indigenous labor so that we don't have to pay as much for products we are no longer troubled with the nuisance of assembling ourselves.

But now even the American nameplates are threatened. Saturn is already sold off. Next will be Hummer, then Pontiac then... who knows what else? Think about it people, no Hummer. We are about to be left living in the world with no clear way for us to declare our patriotism by driving around in Giant Middle Finger to all those faggy Kyoto Accord signatory nations. Might as well cancel the Fourth of July.

With that in mind--because as you well know, I am all about solutions, not just bitching... remember that time I sorted out that rash of Atlatic seaboard shark attacks?--I have decided that I will start my own American car company.

Or to phrase it more succinctly, I am inviting you to participate in this unique opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an up-and-coming American automotive enterprise.

You'll probably think "Hey, the minimum contribution of $400 million per investor sounds a little steep," but don't say no right away.

My business plan is as follows: collect investor money. Spend $80 to $150 million on prototype design AND investor working retreats to the Cayman Islands. Buy a shuttered GM or Chrysler plant. Manufacture at least one working prototype vehicle. Get free advertising on "60 Minutes" as "The Man who will Save the American Auto Industry." Fly to Monte Carlo, put half on black, half on red. When it comes up green double-0, complain loudly to the press that the UAW makes it impossible to do business in America, threaten to declare bankruptcy and sit back and wait for the sweet, sweet bailout money to flow.

I'm thinking the initial investment of $400 million nets you $1 billion, easy. Provided there aren't more than four investors. And this is after my own investment return AND CEO/CFO salary, per diems, etc.

It can't miss. E-mail if you're interested and I will send you the account number to wire your money to.

Invest NOW and I will send you a FREE T-SHIRT!

Overbid the minimum and I will send you a FREE T-SHIRT WITH SOME KIND OF WRITING AND/OR HUMOROUS PICTURE EMBLAZONED THEREON!

Save your country. Save yourself. Make the system work for you. That's what being American is all about.

I await your patriotic contribution. You're not a communist if you don't, but questions will be asked.