Perdition's Flames

I'm OK! Don't everyone rush to the comment section to check on my well-being what with all of Southern California burning down in the last week or so. I mean, I know I punted on that last post so it's really been two weeks since I posted anything that reflected effort... and yeah, OK, so maybe you're not all from here so you don't quite have the grasp of SoCal geography to know if the fires were really anywhere near me at all... which, yes, granted, they weren't, but STILL... Nothing? I'm not going to pretend it doesn't sting a little.

But you're in luck! Because I live in SoCal, another GIGANTOR EARTH-SWALLOWING DISASTER is always one weather system away. High pressure? Zero humidity, high winds, uncontrollable conflagration! Low pressure? Flash-floods and whole mountains sliding down on top of grandmothers as they sleep!

It's supposed to rain over the next couple of days, so keep an eye on CNN. You know that pale, unmoving leg you'll see sticking out from under a hillock's-worth of sodden, mud-slid earth? That could be me! You won't be able to see my hands, but I'll try to wave.

Just to map out the week in the place with, inexplicably, some of the world's most expensive property, it goes something like this:

Sunday: Fire!
Tuesday: Flood + Mudslide (= Floodslide? Credit me when you toss that around in casual conversation, please)!
Wednesday: Earthquake!
Thursday: Gluttony!
Friday: "The Ghost Whisperer" on CBS!

See how we compound our suffering with the Deadly Sins and unforgivable television. Disaster begets disaster, and I'm not so sure we don't have it coming.

This naturally brings me to the only conclusion consistent with this stark presentation of the facts: Barack Obama is the Antichrist.

Well, OK, maybe not. All this stuff DID start happening AFTER he won that election, and I shudder to think how it will surely get worse after he is puts his hand on his family Koran, with pages made of fine, stretched fetus skin and written in the blood of 9/11 victims, and then swears to "preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me ALLAHUAKBAR! LLLAALALALALALALALALAAALALALALLAA!" and then tears John Roberts' throat out with his teeth.

But I've lived here long enough to know that the natural disasters are going to be visited upon us by a wrathful God no matter who's president. We had a big ole Jesusy president for the last 8 years and look how that worked out for New Orleans.

It's freaky how the Barack = Lucifer business has seeped up from the peaty dungpile of white trash resentment into semi-legitimate journalistic news sources. What scares me though is that Snopes refutes it which means you KNOW it's true. I actually know a girl who got pregnant from sperm carried on a bullet that passed through some dude's junk and then lodged in her hoo-ha, in direct contravention of the Snopes people. Well, I don't know her, but my friend's cousin went to camp with this guy who's sister was friends with her, so it's practically like I was there.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving everyone, but remember: be careful out there. People are going to driving under the influence of turkey.