Too Many Mutha'uckas 'Ucking With My Shi'

I can finally, officially say that after this extended, roughly 119-month-long election cycle, I am finally free. I voted.

That's right, Barack Obama could forward every single dime of his $150 million September fundraising windfall directly to my bank account and it would have no discernible effect on my electoral participation. John McCain could spend the entirety of his campaign warchest advertising my new-ish blog venture* and it wouldn't sway me. It couldn't. My vote has already been cast.

Normally, I'm very serious about playing it close to the vest, maintaining the sanctity of the secret ballot, but seeing as a) this blog is cloaked in a veil of impenetrible secrecy, shrouded in a very shroudy thing indeed, smothered in secret sauce and b) I have nothing else to write about, I will tell you:

I voted for John McCain.

Now look, I'm sure that was something of a shock to most of you. You probably can't imagine what might have possessed me to do something so ridiculous.

It may have been that I was confused by the butterfly ballot as the result of my Jewish-grandmother glaucoma, I forgot a dose of my Paxil which prompted me to try slow Suicide by Electoral Franchise, pure vote for comedy purposes knowing that my state is going to go huge for That One anyway...

Well, rest assured, readers, no one was more shocked than I to find out I'd voted for Ole Hernia Truss. But it turns out that we still use trusty Diebold voting machines to cast our early ballots out in these parts.

Plus, consider, if there is going to be some kind of shaky business with vote counting, this is the sophisticated Los Angeles exurb that recently brought you this national news story. So really I shouldn't have been surprised when I punched in all my pinko preferences for offices and propositions (the black guy, free abortions, mandatory gay marriage for everyone, etc.), and then my state-law-required paper ballot print-out said that I had not only voted for Planecrash McGee and his redneck valkyrie running mate, but I also voted in favor of a welfare-to-work-camp pilot program, immediate deporation for all illegal immigrants AND discretionary "undesirables" and I'd written in Ronald Reagan for State Insurance Commissioner.

Ah well. I'd file a complaint, but really, all our officials out here are elected by the same system. Who'd listen?

It's OK though, I don't really vote for the purposes of making my voice heard as part of an empowered populace, exercising the right won for me by the blood of men and women braver than I over generations long dead.

Really, I vote for the "I VOTED!" sticker. It's the only way to innoculate yourself against the sanctimony of "Hey, you don't vote, you can't complain" guy.

Stick it in your ass, DiCaprio! How you gonna come at me now?



* = I'm thinking two or three lines in the Portland, Maine, PennySaver.