Birchmount Stadium, Home of the Robbie

It will seem petty to most of you, but I have come to the conclusion, after much soul searching, that for the third election cycle in a row, I am picking against George W. Bush.

I know, I know... I've tried this twice before and was burned both times. I just have a hunch that between a sub-25% approval rating and the 22nd Amendment to the United States Constitution, I'm going to try for third time lucky. Doesn't seem like much to have in the arsenal when Dick Cheney's on the other side, but I think there's limit to the number of dissenters he can strangle to death using only his mind.

As a note of perspective, I'd just like to take a little break in the Addled Geezer War Hero vs. Secret Gay Muslim Nazi narrative of '08 to reflect on just what it is we're missing, as a country, as a result of the last eight years.

1) 2,411.82 points on the Dow Jones Industrial average (as of end of trading Monday)

2) The ability to be shocked at a paltry $5 trillion national debt. (That's right, we doubled down, bitches!)

3) Lots of banks and hedge fund-y type financial hoodoo BS his dad warned us about.

4) Most of the value of your house.

5) Two gigantor skyscrapers in NYC.

6) A sizeable percentage of the people in those gigantor skyscrapers.

7) Running annual budget surpluses.

8) Skinny Al Gore.

9) A major American automaker (if we can squeeze it in under the wire!)

10) 4,000+ U.S. military service members in Iraq.

11) The $20 gas-tank fill-up.

12) Gilligan.

13) About a million Iraqis, give or take.

14) The moral authority to confront dictators like Saddam Hussein with any kind of international credibility as to what our goals and methods are or will be.

15) That nice non-Nazi pope guy everyone seemed to like so much.

16) Wonder Bread (southern California only)

17) A whole entire major American fucking city.

18) And, just for good measure, probably his own party.

I was going to give him credit for ushering us through our difficult and embarrassing boy band period, but it turns out he fucked that one up, too.

The one thing I will say he gave us, should the national poll numbers hold up to election day one week from Tuesday (tomorrow, as I write this): landslide mandate unity. That's right: nothing brings Americans together quite so much as the ability to turn to something or someone, as one nation, and say clearly, with one voice: "You suck."

We're a cynical, surly people. But it can be all manner of running-with-scissors fun when we can find a reason to be cynical and surly together.

So it's not without some wistful sadness that I say I predict George W. Bush will not prevail in next week's election. Goodbye, sir, and I thank you. Your total inability to achieve any kind of positive goal for your consitutents has given us the kind of fraternal bond we haven't seen since the Macarena.