/Spoilers

Given what demographic information you must know about me by now (male, white, club-foot, crypto-racist, skin-trouble in the T-zone), it probably won't shock you to know that I've already got my Star Wars tickets for opening day. It will probably also not shock you to know that I've taken the day off work in order to go. And yes, I'm taking all three of my boy-children. If anyone ever wanted to figure out if nerdism was a case of nature or nurture, we would not be a great case study for any insight in separating the two.

Somehow over the last year, I've done a fantastic job a) reading just about everything available there is to read about the new film and b) somehow also avoiding any and all potential spoilers. I'm proud to say I'll be going into the film cold, with no other real information about the story past what's shown in the trailers. And I watched all 20-odd trailers and TV spots. All I really know for sure so far is that Harrison Ford doesn't seem to get around like he used to, but to be fair, they did drop a whole spaceship on his foot. The return to practical effects has been much heralded, but worst case scenario, digital effects can only potentially crush your soul (see Episodes I, II and III).

It's actually been fairly easy to avoid spoilers as the basic (I guess it would be "mainstream" now) internet media has adopted an umbrella policy avoiding oversharing. It's not exactly akin to the debate about "trigger warnings" from earlier this year, and the cynic in me wonders if it's courtesy to the readership or bowing to the wishes of megacorporate advertisers in deadening antispasms of synergy, but I do like knowing that I can read the Huffington Post or io9 and not worry too much about accidentally finding out which character is secretly related to what other character in what TOTALLY SHOCKING way.

A couple of other things I pieced together:

1) John Boyega is definitely a black guy playing a stormtrooper. The internet was very clear on this.

2) That Daisy Ridley seems nice.

3) Oscar Isaac is probably still in the movie?

4) Adam Driver sounds exactly like Adam from Girls, which is not coincidental, but might be a bit distracting when playing a quasi-Sith Vader wannabe try-hard.

After that, it's all speculation. WHICH IT TURNS OUT I'M AWESOME AT.

So here is a totally separate list from the last one where I blow spoilers at your face that I Sherlock Holmes'd based on what I've been spoonfed so far.

-The gratuitous and fan-insulting Khan/John Harrison switcheroo JJ Abrams lays on us will be when we find out all-desert planet Jakku is actually all-desert planet Tattooine from the first movie.

-The gender imbalance will further be rectified when it is revealed that under all that fur, Chewbacca is a lady Wookiee.

-All non-primary characters are played by Simon Pegg.

-The attached Star Trek Beyond trailer is actually an embedded pre-credits in-canon sequence establishing that Star Wars and Star Trek are part of the same fictional universe. But only the rebooted JJ Abrams Trek continuity. You know Nimoy wouldn't have sat still for that shit.

-Mark Hamill died in 1986.

I will let you know if/when those all are proved true. The one thing I do know is that I genuinely have some anxiety about going given all the terrorism hype, specifically in my area. But then if I allow the threat of terrorism to force me to change what I'd normally do, then I've let the terrorists terrorize me. Then I'm no better than Dick Cheney. And what better way to celebrate Star Wars than to defy Darth Vader?