Rusty's Trombone

Despite my attempts to conserve both my energy and my immortal soul by deliberately uncoupling myself from the 24/7 news cycle of political infotainment, even I couldn't avoid all the Sturm und Drang over Rush Limbaugh calling a college student a "slut" and a "prostitute." The popular culture noise level rose so quickly from Deafening to Ubiquitous, for a minute I thought Whitney Houston had died again.

I was also confused when I heard that this Sandra Fluke was going to college at a place called Georgetown, which is run by Jesuit Catholic priests. I had heard somewhere else recently that college makes people hate religion, so the idea of a college run by a religious order was like hearing about a madrassa run by Zionists. I thought "What kind of short-sighted, self-loathing, nihilistic..." and then I kind of trailed off when I remembered Jesuits are intellectual self-selected celibate quasi-ascetics required by fiat to oppose same-sex unions while surrounded only by other men. That kind of squared that circle for me.

There is, as I said, a lot of noise on this Sandra Fluke thing, but we have to think about the people whose voices are getting lost in all this: the sluts and the prostitutes. They're out there, fucking indiscriminately, either in exchange for cash or to fill the unfillable crater at the center of their souls where their sense of self-worth should be. Not bothering anyone. Well, in the case of the prostitutes, bothering some people, but usually pretty gently and just as we walk past. They just want to know if I'm "looking for a date" which is kind of flattering actually, so I guess "bothering" wouldn't be the right word. If I had to characterize what it is sluts and prostitutes are doing, I suppose I'd call it "soliciting." Soliciting with intent.

I'm sure I'll get some backlash for using the word "slut" at all along the lines of "Oh, I see, some woman who is sex-positive and unhindered by the shackles of patriarchal demurity has to have 'low self-esteem,' right? I spit on you. All of your family should die." First of all, hey: a little harsh there at the end, Hypothetical Militant Reader. Let's try to keep it civil. Time of the month or what? Jesus.

Secondly, I did use the terms "slut" and "prostitute" but who said I only meant to apply it to women? Maybe you should reconsider your own linguistic and social prejudices, hmm? There are men out there degrading themselves every day just to get their end in anything they can talk into sitting still for 30 to 90 seconds. If women do that, they get to be "sluts" and people line up to diagnose it as a debilitating character flaw and fix it with the cooling salves of self-help audio books and the Oprah Winfrey Network. Male sluts, they hurt too. They have a hole to fill as well. Many, many holes, in fact. How could you need a better metaphor?

Let's have the proper respect, is all I'm saying. Sluts and prostitutes are out there, of all genders, providing a valuable service as a sexual outlet for America's married men. Without that kind of an outlet, where would America's men be? All that pent-up sexual frustration and loneliness will turn on us eventually, leaving us sedentary, overweight, depressed, angry, senses dulled by addiction, muttering to ourselves in a small, dark room, painting word-pictures with our pain, trying to get someone, anyone, to listen.