Cherry Poppin' Daddies

It sounds like simple-minded misogyny for men to complain that they don't "get" women, like women are one thing, a monolith of inscrutability made enigmatic by a sheer act of will. There's a root-level hostility in dismissing women as unknowable. It's the recasting of humans as a reductivist puzzle, as in: what is the absolute minimum I have to say and in what order must I say it before you'll agree to remove your pants and underthings? Seriously, if any of you know that, I can be reached here in the comments section or via email.

I grew up with women. I was surrounded by women all my life. I take the more evolved, enlightened view that chicks aren't really all that complicated, man. They like shiny baubles and things made out of chocolate and movies where somebody gets The Cancer. It doesn't have to be actual cancer, just something debilitating enough to precipitate an emotional catharsis, preferably between mother and daughter, before the closing of the third act but before the epilogue where the surviving character talks to a headstone. You find some way to work two of those things into an evening, you're guaranteed at least a handjob. Even if you don't really want one. They can't help themselves. It's basic estrogen math. It's the same impulse that compels them to be interested in shoes.

So this guy in North Carolina gets more shit because the city council he's on turns down family planning money that includes paying for contraception. And all he says is “If these young women are being responsible and didn’t have the sex to begin with, we wouldn’t have this problem to begin with." And everyone screams "misogyny! misogyny!" just because it kind of suggests that all sexual responsibility lies with women alone and we'd all be better off (and healthier! and wealthier!) if these nasty bitches would just learn to keep them legs together.

While I certainly can't in good conscience endorse a call to action that involves women giving it up less often, I can say I think I understand his point completely. Notice he makes no mention of men in his quote. Yet, as I understand it, contraception is designed specifically to prevent pregnancy which, with apologies to my gay friends, can still, as far as I know, only be done between opposite gendered couples. And within the bonds of marriage. Between two people in love. Missionary-style. I got my sex talk from someone raised in Catholic schools. Some of my information may need some updating.

The points is, I know where he's coming from. He doesn't mention men not because he's failed the simple equation of the necessary elements for conception in a non-laboratory setting. I think it's because he suspects that women have achieved or are on the brink of achieving the one thing that all men ultimately fear: female autoinsemination.

Let's review: 1) He's anxious about the need for contraception among females, and 2) No similar rebuke or chastisement for men. Therefore obviously he must not be considering male involvement at all in the pregnancy process. Ergo, we've reached the event horizon entering into the long-suspected dystopia of total male obsolescence.


It's a logical fear to harbor. The anxiety is rooted in the mystery of the female reproductive system. Men's is easy. We carry ours around, out in the open and even, when the mood strikes, posted on craigslist for everyone to see. It's a pretty simple single-plug system. And that's just the hardware. Even the software is eventually externalized, given the right stimulation. The lady parts are all obscured from view. It seems demure and coquettish, but it's time to ask the question: what do they have to hide? And just when we try to get close, they excrete a smokescreen of menses to keep us away so we never develop the basis of knowledge to even ask the right questions. Something's going on up there. The whole thing smells fishy to me.

I think in sniffing around this, I've also accidentally uncovered the culture warriors' identification and objection to the so-called Gay Agenda. Lesbians can't be left alone together unsupervised by a man. We're not really sure how it is they have sex together, but who knows if some combination of non-penile genital collision might accidentally spark a cascade effect resulting in a hatchling of some kind. I'm sure they're working on it. Like a Manhattan Project set to Melissa Etheridge records.

We can't be too careful. And we're done arguing with you about this. No sex, ladies. Of any kind. You sit there, nice and quiet, smelling nice and rubbing the lotion on the skin, until some nice man comes along and consents to marry and impregnate you in that specific order. We know that if we leave you to yourselves for too long, you'll manipulate nature in such a way that will lead you to smash through the barriers we had the love and foresight to erect for you and eventually threaten society as a whole. At least that's the warning I took from Jurassic Park.