Passport to Adventure!

Well, I'm back. Don't worry, I'm not naive. The internet is a big place. I know when I was gone, you were easily able to fill the time you'd normally set aside for me with any number of baubles and trifles. Bet it didn't take long at all, did it? The first one willing and cheap enough to shake their ass at you and I'm sure you were all over it. Right up to your goddamned elbows.

I'm sorry. Look, it's been a long couple of weeks. I had big plans and none of it really turned out the way I wanted.

First of all, I had to serve as a groomsman at a family wedding. It was all nice enough I guess, but if you knew my family, you'd know there's always some kind of logistical challenge. The restrictions they put on the number of visitors you can have at one time at even the most expensive rehab facilities are practically criminal. But we did what we could to accommodate everyone who wanted to participate. Twitter can be an impressive social tool.

Speaking of impressive social tools, right after the wedding, I took my first trip with the new-ish girlfriend. Well, not "with" so much as "to." I planned to surprise her by showing up unannounced in her homeland. Forty vaccinations and one signed waiver absolving the airline of any liability in the event of my probable demise later and I was on my way. The turnaround time was pretty short once I made my decision. I packed light: a couple changes of underwear and socks, some sunblock, a half pound of quinine pills, a brick of hash (strictly for bartering purposes... and in the event of seasickness), a fistful of plastic zip ties, a yard of heavy oak and a burlap sack and I was out the door. Not only did I save myself time and energy by keeping it simple, I needed to be sure I had plenty room in suitcase for the return trip. You know, for souvenirs or whatever.

I'd never been to the Philippines and I didn't actually know where she lived and/or worked. Or her actual name or what she really looked like when not obscured by the grainy pixellation of the internet red light district. But I do have an iPhone, so I figured: how lost could I actually get? I've got mobile Google. The only thing standing between me and Total World Knowledge at any one moment is the strength of my AT&T connection. Yes, OK, I see the flaw in the plan now...

Off the plane straight away, I wasn't exactly sure where I was. My knowledge of Philippine geography is more or less limited to what I could remembered from news coverage of the 1991 Mt. Pinatubo eruption and what I'd gleaned from syndicated episodes of Black Sheep Squadron. Now that I'm back, I'm not even really sure anymore that that show was even set there.

I didn't know if I was on Jolo or Luzon or Mindanao or what. I tried to ask, but the natives seemed confused and a little intimidated by my shouting. One man was brave enough to approach. I tried to communicate by typing out simple messages on my phone and handing it over. I assume he's still studying them.

Eventually I got my bearings and won the trust of some locals, both in part with my brick of hash. They seemed to know where I needed to get to. The going was slow and arduous. We forded rivers and penetrated virgin copses of jungle trees, crested hills and navigated by starlight. We went on foot, by horse cart, by ferry raft across treacherous straits, by bicycle taxi until I picked up the C train at 163rd Street and Amsterdam Avenue down 15 stops or so to the Port Authority Bus Terminal where I slept for the next four nights living on guile, the occasional discarded soft pretzel stub, my sexual fluidity and a suppressible gag reflex. The rest of that hash didn't go amiss either, I can tell you.

In the end, I never did track down my girlfriend. Ah well. It's not the first romantic surprise that hasn't come off as planned. But the trip wasn't a total waste. I learned a lot, about myself and about the warm generosity of the Filipino people. Sure, an alarming percentage of the ones I met, especially at the end there, seemed hygiene-averse and prone to crippling schizophrenia, but I admired their dogged devotion to non-material living and total freedom of movement. I tried it. I survived. I made it there. I feel now like I could maybe make it anywhere.