Arithromancy

I'm trying to be a good citizen and pay attention to all this debt-ceiling stuff, but it's really not easy. First of all, I have a vague idea that it in some way involves math, so right out of the gate, I'm uncomfortable. It's not that I can't do math. I do have 13 years of American public school education under my belt, thanks very much, which means I'm smart enough to know that I'm statistically unlikely to be able to understand advanced economic theory.

Also, I'm a words guy. Always have been. I understand that the two worlds aren't entirely mutually exclusive, but there's always some hostility whenever someone from my camp is asked to cross over, even if only briefly. I have it on good authority that most of World War II was the result of someone asking Hitler to mentally figure the conversion rate for the wildly inflation-impaired Weimar Republic reichsmark. Remember, he was an author. And worse, a painter. Words vs. figures is bad enough, but the pictures people, forget about it. What else could he do but overthrow the regime and install a much more sensible system of currency? That part later where he murdered all those innocent people probably had as much to do with irredeemable Voldemortian evil as with his reluctance to consider the sums involved in keeping track.

To be fair, though, the figures involved in this debt-ceiling nonsense are as much words as figures. What does "14 trillion" mean anyway? There aren't 14 trillion actual dollars anywhere, never have been and never will be, ever. We couldn't print that much money. We'd run out of trees. Well, not trees, as U.S. currency is mostly made out of linen. The demand pressure on cotton production would be immense. We'd be forced to consider some kind of draft servitude system just to get the crops in which, if I recall, we may have already tried at one point in the past, with decidedly mixed results. It could be socially feasibly if we based qualifications on something other than race. Even if we weren't squeamish about the reintroduction of human bondage based entirely on the arbitrary distinction of melanin levels or nation of origin, there really aren't any isolated or powerless groups left to effectively exploit in that way. The most obvious choice would be the Native Americans, but with the whole casino phenomenon, they can afford fences and guns and really good lawyers. The traditionally next most marginalized of course would be the gays, but a) there just aren't enough of them to construct a reliable labor pool, even if we made the bisexuals work part-time and b) they've gotten all testy in the last 10 years or so. If we push them any harder, we're going to be cutting our own hair and designing our own clothes. A revolt would strike at the very heart of our society. Well, not the heart seeing as the heart exists in the unphotographable deep recesses of our bodies. But the important bits that could someday appear on a reality show.

It's a moot point I suppose because, no matter what our intentions might be, all the field work would go to the Mexicans and how many times can we go back to that well, really? At some point they're going to ask for health care and we'll all have to give up and move to Canada.

So the actual $14 trillion is unlikely to happen. It will stay pretend money, floating around as the most tenuous of fictions, existing only because all the world continues to agree to pretend it does so. I don't understand economics because of the numbers, that's true, but as a words guy, I do understand stories. Economics isn't about figures, it's about narratives. Vast, multinational, interwoven narratives with the most elaborate sets and pantomime shows in the history of show business. It's bigger than Star Wars. It's even bigger than Harry Potter.

I'd watch it if it were actually a pantomime show. If they'd stop pretending it was so god-awful important, it would be less insufferable. And maybe mix in an action scene. And maybe some boobies. Not gratuitous ones, but brief and tasteful and totally germane to the plot. PG-13, not hard-core X. That's how you keep the audiences these days anyway, with PG-13.

I want to be up on this stuff, I really do, but if they're not going to show any respect for the rudimentary basics of showmanship, I can't be held responsible for my disinterest. If it's a choice between CSPAN and Harry Potter this weekend, I think we all know which way I'm leaning.