I'd Rather Be Right

Most people consider themselves open minded, I suppose, the same way in which just about anyone you ask would describe themselves as easy-going, non-judgmental, sarcastic to some degree and fond of hiking. Hiking. Yes. I don't know, maybe I've spent too much time on online dating sites, but when did this hiking nonsense take off? Are there no marshmallowy suburbanites left? Who are we as a nation of single, digitally-connected people to cast aside our God-given aversion to snakes and those poky seed-pod things that get stuck in your socks? Are we actually all into hiking or is this a phenomenon localized to online dating profiles, to be noted and ignored the same way SUVs are supposed to be ready for the rugged outdoors but only ever touched dirt that one time you cut the turn too short and went one wheel up on the landscaped median in the parking lot of the Trader Joe's?

But now I can't stop thinking about the traffic that will be diverted here looking for people "digitally connected." I'm not saying I disapprove (hello, new audience!), I'm just saying there are cleaner ways to lose your wedding ring.

So when I say I am open minded, I do so knowing that to say it is virtually meaningless. If you ever need me to prove it to you, we should go out to dinner one time and you can watch me take 45 minutes to figure out what to order from an 8-item menu. Just because I don't know what fennel chutney is doesn't mean I'm going to rule it out immediately.

This is why, politically, liberals, even in the governmental majority, can't ever get anything done. Not to denegrate my conservative friends (well, OK, I know one guy who didn't vote for Nader in '04, but these terms are relative), but we liberal types, we like to consider stuff. From every conceivable goddamned angle. Yeah, we're against murder, but you know, there are socioeconomics to consider; the antagonistic relationship between the justice system--police in particular--and the disadvantaged, who tend often to be amongst immigrant or ethnic minority populations; and finally a combination of photogenics and the interlinked ratio of exotic weirdness of the name of the accused and how said weirdness assuages white liberal guilt when worn on a T-shirt. Not only are we too busy dithering to stand up to conservative types, all this considering is fucking exhausting.

Conservatives on the other hand have monumentally simple considerations to make based on a small number of preset ideas that make decisions all by themselves. How does a presecribed economic policy square with the sacred independence of anti-communist market forces? Where does a social question stand vis-a-vis the template of 1950s America? Are there any Muslims or Muslim-y people or things involved? Does the idea, whatever its merits, seem like it might do Barack Obama the tiniest bid of good at any level? What would Jesus* do?

The answers to these questions, when applied to specific problems, have an almost binary elegance to them that brings a great deal of clarity, allowing purposeful, united action in the name of... you know, whatever it happens to be. And if a question proves to be a bit too much of a poser, they even have a handbook they can consult for absolute answers to all questions.

I'm not going to lie, I envy that. I'm a wishy-washy, flip-floppy, heart-bleeding liberal. I like hot tea and foreigners. I speak a little French. I'm out here trying to date women and I'm practically Quentin Crisp.

This is why I am not pleased about the court ruling overturning the gay marriage ban in California. I identify as a heterosexual man, yes. But I also identify as liberal, so now I have to at least consider everyone, regardless of gender. Do you see my dilemma? My options now are both genders. I'm not great at math, but let me see, that works out to... yes, roughly... um... oh yes, 100% of the population.

You don't know what this does to me. I have a friend who has taken to exploring in depth the social realities of interracial relationships. Even the thought of that many more choices knocked me practically catatonic for a week. I was only brought out of it when I realized what a favor I'd be doing some nice oppressed woman of color by bringing her into my world of white equality. And now I can't. Hypothetical Interracial Date's heart is broken because now it's my duty to rescue a member of an even smaller and more actively persecuted minority, namely the gays.

I'm beginning to see the appeal of conservatism. Saving the world is a lot easier when the only threats you have to worry about live in James Bond movies or are already under close, close surveillance by the George Alan Rekerses of the world.

And I'm beginning to understand the antipathy toward activist judges.







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* You know, Jesus. Blue eyes, blond hair, Situation abs, meat-eating, beer-drinkin', gun-totin', titty-squeezin' Jesus. The one from Nazareth. The one with the NASCAR track.