Big Time

I think it was the Mennonites who first came to this valley, lo this century and more ago. Others had tried to cross the vast desert west of Navajo Country, never to be heard from again. The giant, blood-thirsty tortoises that patrolled the long, barren marches had grown fat on the hairy gristle of Spanish would-be conquistadors, the holy flesh of pious, but fatally naive missionaries and even the unbathed putrescence of speculators driven mad with lust for the things California promised, like gold and no-documentation mortgages.

But the Mennonites came, lolling the great reptiles to sleep with their gentle natures, their beards unanchored by mustaches and their complicated nail-free furniture. Not only did they avoid the grisly fate of their unmourned predecessors, legend says they arrived in triumph, riding on the backs of the great beasts, whose scooped-out shells provided the settlers with their first permanent shelter.

It is unclear why the Mennonites chose to stop their westward rush in great Riverside. Perhaps it was the abundance of unseasonable year-round heat so achingly close to sea-moderated temperate climates just over the hills west that appealed to the more masochistic penance-taking aspects of their religion. Perhaps it was the irony of the name, what with the no river and all. Perhaps it was the easy freeway access and the early presence of a Best Buy. All we know for sure is that even then, it was clear to them that San Bernardino was a shithole and they should just keep going a little further.

It wasn't long afterward that the Mennonites built the first orange out of a tennis ball, a bull's scrotum and a persimmon. Within a short period of time, the citrus empire built by the original settlers all but realized their dream of a scurvy-free world. For a time, Riverside flourished, even though the world would one day pay a steep price for their great advances in pomology.

Like most single-industry towns, the boom times would fall victim to the awful counterweight of bust cycles. With fading fortunes went, alas, the iron grip of the Mennonite overlords and their giant tortoise enforcers. A frustrated populace... well, stayed home and felt sorry for themselves mostly. But one guy did rise up, which is all it takes when you're facing down pacifists. You punch one in the face and the rest tend to vacate the area, PDQ.

With the Mennonites went their patronage of Mennonite-style arts culture, which involved mostly sitting in sturdily built chairs in total silence trying not to think about sex.

Instantly there were pizza restaurants, movie houses, record stores, soda fountains, Japanese car dealerships... all the worst types of vice and shameless iniquity rushed in like tidal flood after being held back by the Mennonite dike for so long. No one really remembers what her name was...

But even that burst of energy, with its unholy tendencies, coupled with another economic downturn, traded resplendent debauchery for squalor. Grand hotels became flophouses. Great theaters now housed seedy '70s porn films, with all the body hair and brazenly anti-Mennonite beard-free mustaches.

As my generation rose to prominence here, we've kept a longer view of what Riverside can be. Though derelict and black holes of crime and blight, we resisted calls to demolish Riverside's landmark buildings and the history housed therein, for the sake of posterity, for continuity and because we couldn't find anyone who wanted to tear that shit down and build something good instead. Seriously, it was almost Detroit-bad.

But our patience and our love for our city eventually paid off. Somebody must have known someone who was fucking someone powerful because we got like a billion dollars in redevelopment money. The 2nd through 8th layers of scum and dried blood have been scraped off most of the buildings. The graffiti has been corrected for grammar and reapplied in a more aesthetically pleasing font and color pallette. The homeless people have been lovingly transferred elsewhere by the gentle suggestion of law enforcement and their smiling K-9 companions. The parking situation downtown has become a confusing checkerboard of time-limited permit-only spaces and draconinan fine-levying... just like a real city!

And for all this, what has a billion dollars gotten us?

David Sedaris is coming to Riverside this May.

Oh yes. We've arrived.

Eat your fucking heart out, Fontana.