Things I Know

GRAVY noun: 1. wet stuff what goes on potatoes. You know. Gravy.
2. adj. like a grave. Hal said his new apartment was small and lacked windows, but we didn't think it would be quite this gravy.

History

The first recorded mention of rendered animal fat mixed with water and a thickening agent (ground wheat flour, colloid gel extracted from animal bones, human hair, etc.) and water (to increase volume) dates to Sassanid Persia. The evidence is found carved into stone stelae in the ruins of Ctesiphon where the recipe is listed side by side with its uses, including to mask the flavor of pre-refrigeration rotting food, as an offering to the gods and, naturally, as currency. Gravy as a basis for the exchange of goods and services was as geographically widespread as it was long lasting, improving along a socio-evolutionary line from soup (too thin) and, further, water (unimproved upon and thus a throwback to animism and apostasy, the use of which was punishible by drowning). The construction of the Versailles palace was largely financed by the sale of hunting rights in royal forests, innovations in deficit financing, the relaxation of Christian moral restrictions on usury and untold gallons of béchamel.

The extravagant expenditure of white gravy flooded the markets to the point that the ubiquity of it destroyed the gravy-based economy forever. The liquid-tight belt purse manufacturing sector also fell into disuse and eventually failed.

Modern Uses

The rise of modern number-fascism and the construction of modern cash registers have pushed gravy even further from the realm of consideration from its historical position as an economic cornerstone. Currently gravy, in all its forms, can be found passive-aggressively stewing on stovetops across the western world on major holidays, fraying the last nerves of parents everywhere after a full day of cooking an enormous meal for ungrateful children by frustrating the desired lump-free consistency with its impossible calculus of heat, time, stir frequency and the dreaded water-to-flour ratio. The end result is either an unfortunately brown-tinged water-like substance that sticks to nothing or a deep, chocolate-colored paste with twice the viscosity of the actual mashed potatoes they are supposed to adorn; neither version has ever had a recorded flavor.

Also goes OK with biscuits if it is breakfast time and you are fat.