A Rush of Blood

The first time I got a migraine, I thought I'd poisoned myself into having a stroke. These are two things that aren't normally linked together (stroke-inducing poison isn't a thing as far as I'm aware, but I'm a little afraid to google it as any search with "stroke" in it can get you a lot of different places fast), so I think it's clear it wasn't my most level-headed deduction. But when you're in your mid-late thirties with no history of migraines (or even headache of any kind really) and suddenly you can't really focus your vision at all, there are squiggly static lines in and out of the peripherals of your field of view and you get the undeniable sensation akin to an adult person pressing about as hard as they can on either side of your head. you might not be in the best position to make a reliable self-diagnosis. At the time I also had a persistent, fairly gross cold and I'd resorted to taking Mucinex for the first time. By the time I rushed home and the secondary symptoms abated, I realized what it was (thank you webMD, my oldest and trustiest internet friend). The accompanying headache actually wasn't that bad, but it was a decent enough excuse to sleep through the afternoon on a workday. I still won't take Mucinex, very likely making a mistake of imaging a causality that doesn't exist, but you know what, you can't be too careful. Apparently I'll cough myself near to death for months raw-dogging it medicine-free because spite is more powerful than the will to live sometimes.

I didn't get any other kind of weird headache for a long time, so that seemed to confirm there was some kind of localized trigger and not some kind of defect in my brain/circulatory system that was going to make me have to endure cycles of face-crushing pain from migraines as I'd seen many, many friends endure. Friends, note, not relatives. Either we missed out on a gene or my relatives were all out there white-knuckling migraines while keeping their mouths shut. If it's a choice between random chromosomal benevolent luck or some kind of proof that compared to my relatives the rest of you migraine-havers are all just a bunch of whimpering pussies, don't worry, it looks good for you. I'm talking about a large number of Irish-Catholic Americans, who are like regular Irish people except instead of writing their woes into a dolorous pub song, our method of expression is a 45 minute phone call about how they didn't get their dressing on the side like they asked the time they got a Cobb salad from Panera. Less poetic, but delivered with the same sense of aggrieved injustice. Believe me, if one person I'm related to ever got a migraine, it would be a story they rolled out at every Christmas, to compare themselves favorably to that attention-whore the Virgin Mary, like she had it so hard...

Lately though the fuzzy squiggle vision has crept back in as a semi-regular feature of my existence, probably in the last two years or so. It's associated now almost exclusively with the type of exercise I do, which is a fairly high-intensity boxing-for-fitness class a few times a week. It's not every time, but once every month or two now, about a half-hour after I'm home, I can feel the head-fuzziness and the blurry vision manifests. The lights are kind of fun, and the headache never really gets as bad as what I hear other people get, but all the other symptoms are consistent with migraine. The next day my head feels pretty tender and I'm sensitive to light and sound, even air pressure to some degree, but I'm functional throughout all of it. I'm simultaneously grateful and feeling a little ripped off. At least if I'm going to get it, I would like to get a decent tale of woe to go with it. Right now the best I got is "yeah, there was about 40 minutes last Wednesday when it probably wasn't a good idea to drive." Heroic? I guess I'll let you bet the judge.

Since I'm still sort of new to this club, I do get curious about whether or not it's actually migraines. I think it is, but I do enjoy the fact that I only seem to get the things that come with a mutually exclusive set of identifying symptoms. Like some of the signs of an oncoming migraine include: a surge of energy, but also drowsiness. Restlessness, but also a sense of well-being. Yes, one of the possible triggers is exercise, ding! And one of the potential prophylactic measures? Also exercise. Oh webMD, never change. If you ever just evolved to the point where you credibly and reliably just told me what was going on, what we have left to talk about?