Obscurity Breeds Contempt

Who is Devin Nunes, the current star of the American political scene?

Well, he's a Californian like me. Except not like me, he's a member of the United States Congress and the head of the House Intelligence Committee. These seem like impressive accomplishments for someone slightly less than a year older than me, excepting the fact that, in the present climate, the things I'd rather be doing instead of either of those jobs at the moment include: 1) exactly what I'm doing now and 2) being shot into the sun.

His has been a sordid history since the election of the Current President, a can of mashed pumpkin that says its only ingredient is "pumpkin" but is actually some kind of off-brand squash.*

Before that, he'd been the most forgettable of things: a member of the United States House of Representatives. There are 435 of them. How many could you actually name if you had to? Could you name your own actual representative? Do you have any idea what district you actually live in? They keep changing the number of my district, so all I can say is it's somewhere in the California 40s. But even with all the shifting of boundaries, somehow my rep is always the same real estate scam artist with a taste for hooker-flesh. Past that I know there's Nancy Pelosi and that other guy, that totally jacked workout bro with the craniotomy hairline.

Even worse, Nunes reps the California 22nd, a district in the surface-of-Mars-y parts of the Central Valley that doesn't even include Fresno.

And yet somehow he got himself ensconced as the chair of the House Intelligence Committee. And a member of the presidential transition team for our Current President, forty Circus Peanuts stuffed into a sandwich-sized Ziploc bag with a quarter cup of yesterday's sour cream.

To the surprise of both everyone and no one at exactly the same time, having a Trump transition member heading up the House Intelligence committee has proven to be... problematic. But only from ethical, competence, transparency and Constitutional points of view.

So now we're all waiting on the denouement of a fabricated controversy over a "secret memo" that is being crafted specifically to obstruct justice in the investigation into the Trump transition and administration in collusion with foreign actors.** Surprisingly, the Trump transition guy is right in the middle of it. A stroke of unforeseeable good fortune for the president.

But still, who is Devin Nunes? I've been doing some reading and I think I know him:

Devin Nunes is the kind of person who in elementary school would start a fistfight if he wasn't allowed to be the captain of one of the teams starting a kickball game. Because he knows it's either be captain or get picked last.

Devin Nunes is the kind of person who doesn't give a thank-you wave if you let him go before his turn at a stop sign.

Devin Nunes is the kind of person who would never drink almond milk for fear it would make him "seem gay."

Devin Nunes is the kind of person in the movie theater sending a text from an unmuted phone, complaining about the people around him talking too much.

Devin Nunes is the kind of person who calls his parents by their first names.

Devin Nunes is the kind of person who would never realize "he'll do anything you ask" is not a complimentary description.

Devin Nunes is probably an active Russian intelligence asset. Allegedly!

He went to school someplace and is probably married to some lady or whatever. Has kids maybe? Anyway, I feel like you're all caught up. You're welcome.

---

*OK just because the story isn't strictly speaking true doesn't mean the metaphor doesn't hold up. Given the subject matter, I'd argue having it not be true actually makes it more fitting.

**Spies I mean, not, like, Liam Neeson or some shit.