Why Are You Putting So Much Emphasis On The H?

Just to address the elephant in the room, I'm fatter than I was a few days ago. I don't really appreciate being addressed as "elephant," but who am I to come between you and your casual cruelty?

I don't have a definitive number for you in terms of weight gain. Seeing as it's only been about 36 hours since I ate my Thanksgiving meal, it's a little early to get fully quantitative in terms of overall outcome, but I've been on a low-fat diet for about 18 months now to control cholesterol. I'm pretty sure whatever reductions I've made have all been outdone in those 36 hours.

I seem to be on some kind of mission. There's absolutely no reason for an adult person with reasonable self-control in other areas of his life to eat three pieces of pie in one sitting. And no, the type(s) of pie in question are not germane to the story, nor is the quality of the pie even if said quality was produced by the person doing the eating. It turns out that calorie and fat intake are functions of science, not of quasi-theological concepts of fairness that are open to negotiation.

Oh yes, the other thing worth noting is that I obviously forgot to post yesterday, a Thursday. Hence the weird Friday thing happening before your eyes, whenever your eyes happen to find this, probably not actually on a Friday. Sometimes I forget how blogs work. And time.

I looked back at previous years to see if there was any kind of thematic through-line I'd been maintaining on Thanksgiving posts, given that I post on Thursdays so it always seems to end up here. Want to guess what I found? A bunch of shit that I'm thankful for. Super original. But then I'm almost always under the influence of an amount of carbohydrates that can only be described as "masochistic."

As this is Friday, this should not be the case today. I should be not at all addled by butter or starches or the demon tryptophan, and yet here I am, flirting with self-administered hyperglycemia, because I can't stop. And the real bastard of it is: I didn't even cook, so I don't have a bunch of leftovers laying around. I'm going out and finding ways to continue to eat garbage, in every manner short of eating actual garbage (so far).

So I'm not up to listing the shit I'm thankful for at the moment. Sorry. Expression of that sort is going to have to wait until I bounce up from the rock bottom that awaits at the end of this shame spiral.

For now I'll have to be content with being the stand-in for the voice we all have screaming at us from the inside on Thanksgiving evenings going THAT'S TOO MUCH COOL WHIP, MY GOD, CAN'T YOU LOVE YOURSELF?! Except just directed at me. I wouldn't dare judge any of you. Especially not after missing the regular Thursday posting deadline. I owed you this. And the me not judging you thing, that just makes us all square, right? Great.

See you next week. On time. After about eight thousand crunches. Promise.