The problem with the never-ending Facebook video scroll is its ability to distort the flow of both space and time. I was going to say "that's probably not what Zuckerberg intended when he stole the idea from the Winklevoss twins" but you know what, the more I hear that Elon Musk talk out loud about Mars colonies and magic tunnels, I realize I have no idea what these nerds are thinking, or at what scale. When all this shit blows up in a sudden puff of silent, instant ash, it'll be Richard Branson's fault probably.
What I mean is that video, once it exists, is evergreen. Well, that's not actually true as sometimes the clothes and music are dead giveaways that will date something, but for the most part, music beds can be replaced and some fancy graphic overlays can make anything seem slick and of-the-now. For example, just mindlessly running through the ribbon of non-information that is Facebook while waiting for my branded beverage in a Starbucks* I came across a video of writer-comedian-monologuist Tim Minchin giving a commencement address somewhere. It was all very Tim Minchin-y, meaning it was self-aware and slightly cutting, but clever and a little sweet, but I was watching it (with subtitles, not in full volume in a public place because I AM NOT A MONSTER) thinking stuff like "ooh, he's talking about Trump right there!" and the like. Turns out it's from 2013, so there's me projecting.
The speech is structured around these nine life lessons which include... well, yes, I have forgotten most of them, I'll be honest. And the transcript is in the link above, the page for which I already have open, but I can't be bothered to check. I think one of them was something about seat belts maybe? I don't know. Seems like a good advice either way: seat belts, everybody.
No, the one I do remember is "define yourself by what you love," meaning generally "don't just hate stuff," which is ironic considering, again, I got this off Facebook which exists mostly for people to talk in the most facile way possible about a thing they hate. OK, it's not Twitter, the world's brain sewer, but in my feed at least it's a constant stream of reminders of how everyone is liking things wrong: political parties, politicians, movies, music, even other humans. The whole thing is predicated on making the active choice of who you consider a "friend" and to what degree. The presupposed automatically implied rejection stretches to literally all of the rest of the internet-connected world.
Joke's on him though because this is something I was already trying to practice. Truthfully, I am a little ahead of Tim Minchin and behind him at the same time. I don't think this had occurred to me by 2013, when he actually said this shit, but I definitely had arrived there before this morning in 2017, when I saw him say it. See, I told you Facebook was bending spacetime.
What I mean is I'd made the decision, in the face of a lot of haranguing about the things I liked, to give up the idea of guilty pleasures and the related action of shaming others for theirs. I like what I like. You can like what you like. I assume it fits your needs and brings you some kind of joy or pleasure or, as we all seem to increasingly need in the last year or so, solace. So I already try actively to define myself by what I love and leave others to do the same.
With one exception. You're probably going to guess "country music." And oh, you're so close! That's taken the most work, but I'm at the point where I can let you enjoy that without deciding that you have given up on what it means to actually live. No, I'm talking about the Los Angeles Dodgers.
See, sports is a little different. In every league there are like 30 or more teams. Only one gets to win every year. The odds of it being YOUR team is almost zero. Ask a Cubs fan. Ask an Indians fan. Ask a Mariners fan. Even my team has only won the World Series one time and that was 15 years ago. So in order to stay engaged, you HAVE to hate someone else a little. This isn't a question of life and living, more just about having a rooting interest. That can be negative in origin and still work exactly the same as a positive one.
So this World Series, I rooted hard for the Houston Astros. I've never been to Houston. Not interested in ever going there. Seems like a nondescript Texas nowhere city with a recent run of shit luck. Plus they're a divisional rival of my team. I should hate them. But the Dodgers... every year on Facebook I like to post a little note on the day it becomes clear they will not be winning the World Series. Is it petty and childish? Yes, but then again, so is baseball.
And this year, to have it stretch aaaaaallllll the way to Game 7 of the World Series before having their hearts stepped on, well... It's the second best possible season-ending scenario for me outside of an Angels victory.
Well, almost. I was faced with the possibility (briefly) of a Yankees-Dodgers World Series. This is the one scenario--EXACTLY ONE--where I would ever find myself rooting for the Dodgers to win anything. So I stayed out of the Upside Down, and the Yankees AND Dodgers had their hearts broken. Am I a vampire of some kind? Maybe slightly. This doesn't make me a good person and Tim Minchin would disapprove. But do I need his life lessons anyway? He's a white Australian guy with matted dreadlocks. He's not exactly batting a thousand on his life decisions.
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*Oh god they've got 100% of my time accounted for, don't they?
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