The Fifth Movement

Our first Holiday Season of Trump America is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and so far it looks about like what we though it would, with people going out of their way to wish their fellow man peace and goodwill and long life back in whatever the fuck country it is they came from before they showed up here to steal our jobs and be murder-rapists. You were always going to have your work cut out for you trying to surprise me with the idea that the full-throated defense of petty, white America wasn't absolutely going to start in a JCPenney. Especially since Montgomery Ward went out of business.

So what do we do while we wait for either the inevitable race war or self-inflicted nuclear annihilation? Well, I'm pretty sure that's why Netflix was invented.

This past week, in a panic to avoid news of any kind, I was suckered in to a deceptive ad campaign to watch the new Netflix series The OA. "It's science-fictiony!" the mostly non sequitur surprise press information suggested. "Plus, here's a picture of a lady strapped to some science equipment with a water tank on her head. You remember something like that from Stranger Things, right? That one that was also on Netflix a few months ago, the one you liked?" And I was all: it's this or read one more fucking thing anywhere ever about Uday and Qusay Trump. I'm in!

Well, let me sum up my thoughts about The OA: it's not good. And I can say that with authority because I knew it sucked by about episode 3 (before that I only strongly suspected) but I still watched the whole thing. I'd like to say it was so I could defend you from it with an informed opinion, but really it's just a result of being an obsessive completist. It's the same impulse that made me read all four of the Heritage of Shannara books and each one of those made me want to reconsider the fascists and their book burning tendencies. Maybe there was some context I was missing?

To be fair: maybe you should watch it. Because some people really love it. Just because those people are wrong doesn't mean you won't be. These things are subjective after all. Sometimes the subject has opinions that are terrible.

What is the show about? It's about a lady who disappears for seven years. When she vanishes she is blind, but when she comes back, she totally is not blind! Mental, right?! Also she jumped off a bridge and talks in weird New Age-y code speak, which is supposed to be upsetting and weird, but I'm from Southern California. Walk through a Whole Foods over on the west side of LA somewhere, tell me if you don't hear most of this dialogue verbatim over the self-serve bin of tapioca flour.

Maybe "not good" was too vague. A more focused, and more pretentiously English, way to put it would be: it's a bit rubbish. These people mean well (starting with co-creator and star Brit Marling), but there is a VERY SERIOUS MESSAGE she/they would like you to take away, even if that means explaining in detail the very important back-story of the main character by narrating every beat of her disappearance (the B plot) by having her sit in an attic and tell it as as story to a bunch of people sitting around. This is ostensibly the A plot. Seriously, they just sit there. For, like, four episodes. And there are only eight total.

Nobody seems to be interested in any of the basics of television writing or storytelling, which would be fine if there felt like there was some kind of experimental deconstruction going on, but I've seen it all and I can tell you: there isn't. You know how shows give episodes internal arcs, resolving mini-stories that build to a crescendo at the end, drawing you into the next arc of the following episode? Nah, none of that. Episodes just kind of... end. Starting the next one is a conscious act of will, requiring not-insignificant consideration.

The ending is supposed to be wild and shocking and jarring, spurring conversation and re-examination of everything you've seen. Actually though, because the basic function of narrative art to suspend disbelief and draw in the reader/viewer/experiencer has been either discarded or forgotten, it ends up being frustrating and annoying, unearned and manipulative. Worse, when it was over, my main question was "yes, but who could actually ever care?"

The press comparisons to Stranger Things were lazy, based on proximity of platform and release date. It was actually closer to Sense8, another show that was a bit rubbish, but KNEW it and LOVED it. The Wachowskis, who created that show, at least had the notional intention to entertain. They also understood the rubbish-ness of their pretentious New Age-y premise and leaned into it, hard, throwing in for good measure some gangster elements, martial arts action and a raid/heist finale that was ludicrous, yes, but more dopey and fun, like a half-grown puppy, than The OA was skittish and terrified, like a feral cat.

And that should be enough criticism to keep you away. Cats are the worst.

Look, maybe it is for you and I don't know what I'm talking about. I like a ton of shit other people hate. I watch Agents of SHIELD every week. I own a Fall Out Boy album. Like what you want.