Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me

Maybe Bob Dole. He was probably the closest, but I think I only think that in retrospect. He seems perfectly reasonable now, in the light of what's on offer from national-level GOP figures. It's probably safe to guess that that has less to do with his actual positions as a person and as a politician and more to do with his existence in his historical moment, before the double-whammy dealt to a) the American illusion of security provided by the magical forcefield of our borders and b) the entrenched, half-millennium-long, hard-fought-for reality of unassailable white (political) supremacy by 9/11 and Black Tuesday Nov. 4, 2008, respectively. If he were in the Senate right now, it doesn't strike me as particularly likely that anyone who would put themselves forward for a legislative leadership position as he did wouldn't be willing to adopt and adapt to what is demanded of him in the political moment. He did seem like a decent enough guy, injured war veteran and all. And it was even endearing when he fell off that stage while campaigning, in a Chevy-Chase-as-Gerald-Ford kinda way. There are reasons legislators are almost never elected president directly. They are by necessity negotiators, conciliators, deal-makers. Or in modern GOP parlance: traitors to the cause, at least in prospect.

Also Bob Dole was old as fuck.

And I was 22 in 1996. I was going to vote against President Blow-job? Prolly no, right?

And since then, when would I have had the chance to vote for a Republican? GW Bush in 2000 and '04.* I've always really liked the fact that John McCain is kind of an asshole, but there no amount of cantanker he was going to put on any string of words that was going to kill my Obama-boner in '08. Plus the Palin thing more or less disqualified him from serious consideration. And Mitt Romney, with that beady version of the unblinking, David Miscavige-like true-believer-cum-commodities-trader stare... No, I've never really come close to voting for a Republican for president. As we've started what will be my seventh participatory presidential election cycle, I get bummed out when the GOP hopefuls start lining up for the primary contest, or as I've come to see it, a hundred-million-dollar media exercise to determine which dude I won't vote for.

I've got enough of an elite liberal education to at least make a cursory stab at keeping an open mind. Critical thinking is something I cling to as the one thing that separates us from the animals. And the Baptists. There's no space for criticality if I'm employing the exact same policy of a closed, self-referential epistemic loop. Or to put it another way, I'm going to go through the motions if it means I can reserve my right to shit-talk later.

Follow the logic progression though: GOP=Conservative=Christian=virulent oppressor of historically persecuted, numerically tiny minority. Post 9/11, the deliberate crash of four passenger airliners destroyed forever the weird track of GOP progress toward a slickly packaged "Compassionate Conservative" rebrand Bush 43 promised us in the 2000 campaign mixed with what was (up to then) a boldly spoken-of thread of unabashed religiosity. It took the derangement of a handful of jihadis and the blood of several thousand innocents to wash out the first part and double down on the second. In hindsight, I suspect it would have taken a lot less though. By 2004, when Bush was in real electoral trouble, it was clear the "compassion" part never ran all that deep in the first place when there were political realities to address as gay Americans took it right up the... well, it wasn't good.

So far it's just Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, but given the tenor and execution of both their campaign-launch infomercials, I'm not super encouraged. It's awful Jesus-heavy already. I don't think they (GOP politicians generally) understand what kind of opportunity they have here. Hillary is the presumptive Democratic nominee. There are probably plenty of left-leaning bleeding-heart terrorist-lovers like myself who think she's too hawkish, too rigid and too vulnerable to self-inflicted (and husband-inflicted counts as self-inflicted here) scandal sturm und drang to offer early, unqualified support (see the ongoing efforts to mansplain Elizabeth Warren into running vs. her own stated wishes and position). This is your chance to make me leeeeean a little in another direction. Like all the husbands who cheat on their wives say, I just want to feel wanted, baby. And it could be you. You just need to be my type, mainly for starters:

1. Not another old-money political-dynast white guy (Not just Rand, I'm looking at you too, Jeb, pendejo)
2. Maybe not the pandery-est panderer who ever pandered (dude, 9/11 and country music in the same hot take. Come the fuck on with that)

There will be points 3 and 4 etc., but knowing me like I do, they won't become known to me until I can see them displayed in other candidates and retroactively declare them dealbreakers. I strive for intellectual honesty, I do. Sometimes "strive" is as far as you get.

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*You have to consider my resistance in the context of my pathologically... uh... measured response to the John Kerry candidacy.