One does not choose (usually) to give their body cavities and energy stores over to incubate whatever permutation of rhinovirus into full maturity, but live your life like I do, way out on the cutting edge, re-purposing found Kleenexes and indiscriminately fondling public drinking fountain spigots, and a cold is bound to happen. Well, a cold or herpes. Or OK, both. But look, I don't drink, I hate gambling and the idea of firearms all by itself pushes me way closer to incontinence than any adult should ever approach. There's no thrill without risk. You get your kicks your way. Leave me to mine.
In lieu of actually processing ideas into finished thoughts shoehorned into run-along paragraphs in support of dick jokes, I thought instead I'd present the highlights from the article about U.S. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) recounting comments made to her about her appearance during tenures in the House of Representatives and in the United States Senate, the most deliberative of legislative bodies, where she currently serves. Deliberative, indeed:
"You know, Kirsten, you're even pretty when you're fat," an unidentified Southern congressman told her in the House chamber.
I really want this to have been a slightly younger Lindsey Graham. But we all know better.
"Good thing you're working out, because you wouldn't want to get porky!" another male colleague told her in the House gym, to which Gillibrand responded, "Thanks, asshole."
The last part sounds a lot like the kind of upgraded-to-actually-spoken-missed-response people tend to use when re-telling a story that actually ended in awkward shuffling away. However in this case, I've decided to believe it because it's the truth I want.
Gillibrand said an older senator once grabbed her waist from behind and said, "Don't lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby."
Just a note to the ladies out there: if you're wondering when it's OK to use the mace your overprotective dad bought you after he found out you were going to Coachella in 2008, this is absolutely it.
In 2010, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) referred to her as "the hottest member" of Congress at a fundraiser.
I just... ew.
There's a hierarchy of social entitlement in America 2014 that ascends from white people->white men->rich white men->rich white men in positions of authority->anyone who's ever been the headliner at a political fundraiser who are also men. And white.
The long term fix is obviously the re-education of men (and women!) to a baseline assumption of equal physical and sexual dignity without regard to gender.
The short term fix is obviously more punching people in the face in public places.
And now I will take four Tylenol Sinus-es and lay down. I want see exactly how much mucus I can pool in my lungs and eye sockets while I sleep. Last night I set a record at roughly 400 pounds.
You are welcome. Good night.
In 2010, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) referred to her as "the hottest member" of Congress at a fundraiser.
I just... ew.
There's a hierarchy of social entitlement in America 2014 that ascends from white people->white men->rich white men->rich white men in positions of authority->anyone who's ever been the headliner at a political fundraiser who are also men. And white.
The long term fix is obviously the re-education of men (and women!) to a baseline assumption of equal physical and sexual dignity without regard to gender.
The short term fix is obviously more punching people in the face in public places.
And now I will take four Tylenol Sinus-es and lay down. I want see exactly how much mucus I can pool in my lungs and eye sockets while I sleep. Last night I set a record at roughly 400 pounds.
You are welcome. Good night.
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