A 20th-century breakthrough figured out that atoms were made up of three particles: protons, neutrons, and electrons. Then, as physicists are wont to do, they started smashing the particles, which broke down into even smaller particles.
OK... and?
Scientists figured these itty-bitty particles were quarks, held together by gluons. Then scientist Peter Higgs proposed the burning, yearning question: Surely there must be one uber-particle that creates an invisible field (called the Higgs field) that adds mass to matter.
Ha! Totally. Is that... oh there's more? Sorry...
It's theoretically possible for a particle to have no actual mass at all, and indeed, the photon is massless. But that's the exception. All other particles -- protons, electrons, neutrons, neutrinos -- are eventually pinged by the Higgs bosons that suffuse the field. That tiny collision converts the particle from a packet of energy to a packet of matter. (The Higgs acquires its own mass through its own interactions with the field.)
Right. But I...
It can explain why some particles have mass, but why others, such as photons of light, do not.
I bet that's not it, is it? Fuck, I knew it...
A Higgs boson particle is essential to the so-called standard model of physics -- the generally accepted theory about how the universe works. Finding it would effectively confirm the standard model.
Standard model. Naturally. You know what, just go ahead...
Space.com thinks the particle could explain dark matter... ZeeNews ponders that perhaps inertia (or drag) can be reduced in future technologies, like a jumbo jet. Two Vanderbilt University theoretical physicists propose a "long shot" pipe dream about time travel
I'm pretty sure that's it. And this is from the article designed to explain this shit to dummies like myself. Let me see if I can paraphrase it: invisible glue-y stuff will give us better gas mileage for planes and also time travel. Got it. Although I think that last one is something of a fudge because if I can get from New York to LA 20 minutes faster than I now can, that kind of already counts as time travel.
Just to be clear, I'm glad someone is out there doing it for us. It doesn't bother me greatly that I have no idea what "it" is and less about how it's done. Given the right metaphor, I can kind of grasp the mechanical idea of hybrid cars, the ballpoint pen or different types of yoga, but there are going to be limits. I'm happy to accept that my iPhone works essentially by magic. I appreciate the effort put into articles about the Higgs boson widget, but I think I can respectfully ask that the well-meaning journalists trying to lay out these things for us just leave us in the dark. Not only is it a battle lost before the first trumpet sounds* but the lonely wail of the rallying call is lost in the hurricane klaxon of roaring bandwidth carrying the great concerning conundra of why Tom Cruise called his wife Kate instead of Katie and the like.
Down among the intellectual lumpenproletariat, there are only two things we need to know science is doing: 1) working on the cancer thing and 2) faster download speeds. Essentially, we want to live long enough to get our porn delivered right now. If we figure out what "dark matter" is in the meantime, that'll be gravy.
Also: as far as I know, dark matter is indistinguishable from gravy.
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*you know what the uneducated do with trumpet players, yes?
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2 comments:
You bet dark matter is indistinguishable from gravy. Try getting dark matter out of a white tablecloth.
I laughed out loud. Often.
Thanks, Pops.
If I'm eating somewhere I might get dark matter on my tablecloth, I think stains are among the least of my concerns. But I do appreciate the warning. I take helpful information from all quarters.
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