I was never a Boy Scout. I was a Cub Scout briefly, but eventually the membership dues forced me out. And the Mormonism. And the ulnar palsy made knot-tying a particular challenge.
But mostly it was the Mormonism thing. I don't have a problem with people being Mormon. It's just the set of social rules that go along with it that unnerve me. For instance, somehow it's become completely impossible for gay people to hold volunteer positions in Boy Scout troops. Not just regular gay people, even the lady-gay ones now too.
There's always the implication that having gay people around children is bad because of the unsubtle implication that gays are sexual predators with regard to children, the most curious sexually-related non-sequitur since the masturbation-blindness connection was mostly disproved.* Gay people are only predators for other gay people. And even then, only for other gay people of the same gender as themselves. So already that's a fraction of the fraction that's even self-identifying as gay in the first place. Then factor in your normal variables of age, personality, opportunity, disinclination and the standard endemic percentage paralyzed and socially self-quarantined due to World of Warcraft addiction and we're talking about roughly 11 people. This is science. You can tell because there are now numbers involved. There are 11 gay people who can be considered "predatory."And are those 11 out there volunteering to lead Boy Scout troops? No, they are not. Why not? Because they're busy fucking each other raw in national park public restrooms. America's a big place, but you can bet someone else's very tender ass they're finding each other. Part of it is the pure electromagnetic pull of white-hot deviant sameness they can sense, like pigeons following along ley lines in the planetary magnetic field or felt in the minuscule wobble of the earth on its axis. Part of it is a complicated series of glyphs and symbols left discreetly in public places for others to find, like a sexy, sexy version of the old-timey hobo code. Mostly though, it's craigslist. It's the world's primary purveyor of all things cock-related. Seriously, go there right now. More cock than you can shake a... well, more than could ever hope to want, all in far, far, far too high a screen resolution.
As usual, just like in the 2004 presidential election for example, the issue of gayness is a petty, effective distraction for the things that would actually be harmful to us. Back then, in order to protect our gay citizens from the abomination of marriage,** we accidentally opted for four more years of political leadership by a painfully shallow show-pony with a put-on accent.***
But you know, that was pre-Katrina. Yeah, we had our reservations about George W. Bush, but we hadn't really given him a chance at that point to show us exactly what levels of mismanagement he was capable of. America is about allowing people the chance to experience the full range of their human potential, so long as they are white children of extreme privilege.
No, this time, the problem threatening us from which gayness is a distraction us is the threat of animals destroying us in a nuclear holocaust. This is not a joke about North Korea, mostly because making one would be an exercise in redundancy. I'm talking about salp. You know salp. They're the little jellyfish thingies attempting to undermine and destroy whole parts of my home state by attacking a nuclear power plant until it melts down. Bad luck for them they tried this little stunt on the 26th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster, so we were being particularly vigilant. Of course we can't be sure what kind of animal brought down Chernobyl because the perpetrators took the clever precaution of rendering the whole area uninhabitable by human beings for the next thousand years. My guess is it was probably a deer or some trans-Caucasus variant of an opossum. Clever, insidious opossums. Non-Australian marsupials? Automatically untrustworthy. They had to be kicked out of there for a reason. And you really REALLY have to fuck up to get the Australians to kick you out. They're famous for letting people overstay their welcome almost indefinitely.
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*I believe the actual medical conclusion there was "if you insist on ejaculating into your own eyes, we can't help you."
**I may have that wording slightly wrong.
***No, not Madonna, the other one.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
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2 comments:
The first election I voted in was when Anita Bryant was threatening to withhold orange juice from California if we continued to let The Gay teach in our schools. Luckily we had our own orange trees so we could afford to tell her to pound sand. It's depressing that all these years later there are still people who get uptight about the gay things gay people do. How much longer do we have to wait before we (and by we I mean they) can face whatever it is (we know what it is) that makes us (them) so uncomfortable about gay people doing gay things or, really, just being, and just accept ourselves (themselves) for who we (they...oh, you know) are and let everybody else live their lives in peace?
What helped me follow your comment is that everywhere I saw parentheses, I mentally filled them in with (ANAL SEX). Like really lazy MadLibs.
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