Generalissima

I don't have a lot of time, but I did want to jump in here briefly and note, with no small amount of pride, that my boys and I have successfully resisted yet another annual celebration of incipient crypto-gynofascism dressed up cruelly as "Mothers' Day."

And don't think I don't know what you're doing, trying to confuse me by not making it clear where the apostrophe goes, if anywhere. Mother's? Mothers'? Mothers? It's the same tactics the wily Veteran('?)s('?) used to get us a day off in November.

The Veterans' gambit I accept because of a) their sacrifices for the sake of our nation and b) I get paid not to go to work that day. But this idea of a whole day of worship and catering to and acquiescence to someone simply for the basic biological act of procreation, I'm sorry, I just don't see it. It's not like the mother gets nothing out of it. Does the continuation of the species not matter to women? I think maybe it does. Because if all the people died, there would be nobody around to be sick with jealousy over your new Louis Vuitton handbag. And then, well, $3,200 for a purse would just seem silly.

You trick us by giving us meaningless social trinkets to play with (earning power, monopoly on executive political office, secretaries) and dope us up with sports and porn while you, quietly, in the background, lead us around like donkeys doing all the heavy draught work (lawn care, jar opening, executive political office). And we follow blindly, obeying your every whim without question because on the end of the stick, you've replaced the carrot with a vagina.

Because I've been trained to notice how to spot them, I can confirm that there are cracks through which your basic attitude of mocking dismissal shows through. The required sycophancy of Mothers' Day is only one. Romantic comedies are, obviously, another (and the most insidious).

I rest easily knowing one day, the power will go to your head and the nature of uterine dominance will be exposed. The whole "metrosexual" movement and that Sex and the City movie from last year will, I think, go down as huge tactical mistakes when the Gender War finally arrives. You tipped your hand, ladies. I see you're holding five aces. But what you don't know about us is this: we have nothing left to lose. The game is strip poker and we're already not wearing any underwear.

Happy Mother's Day. It may be your last.