Uch, Bleh! God! Disgusting! Here, Smell This!

Please try to read quickly. This post has been born in considerable temporal distress. As such, it is a wispy, ephemeral thing as likely to dissolve under the imperceptible weight of space-time reality as it is to form brown spots and mold.

First of all, it's late as hell. My goal was to post at least weekly when I started this thing, and here we are eleven days later. There are good excuses to be constructed, presented and defended. I was going to go with the David Duchovny excuse of sex addiction, but then I realized a) I have too much dignity for that OR to star in a Showtime original series and b) I'd have to actually produce evidence of some kind of deviance from normative sexual behavior and, well, you'd have me on a technicality there, wouldn't you? Stupid Kinsey scale. All the things you'd have to do to shock anyone anymore I don't have the time or the Department of Fish and Wildlife connections to make happen.

Second of all, the sell-by date is going to be really short.

If you consider the totality of what has transpired over these past eight years, I can't help but be fascinated/terrified when I consider what exactly George W. Bush will do with his last 48 hours in office. There really is no chart to contain the possibilities. Tearful goodbye to staff? Tequila and Tecate Light pub-crawl through the District? Wistful stroll around the White House grounds, reminiscing (hey, that's where I sat when I decided to suspend habeas corpus without telling anyone! And there's the tree I was napping under while New Orleans drowned! etc.)? Constructing false bottoms in cardboard boxes in order to smuggle out taxpayer-bought flatware and sweet Afghan heroin? The sale of Vermont to Canada? Gears of War 2 all-nighter on the XBOX 360 with Cheney? Gossip Girl on the CW? Nuclear exchange with Russia?

When you think about it, the possibilities are endless. If you're reading this after the inauguration, it will be all old news, of course. Plus you'll probably be too preoccupied to read after Obama is sworn in because of all the euphoria of realizing that all of our national problems have been instantly and magically solved.

As usual, my interest is larger, grander, and well, better than yours. I want future historians to find this document and know what the Above Average American was thinking at this critical time of transition, between the Dark Age of Bush II and the Era of Eternal Sunshine Flowers Candy Unicorn 72-and-Sunny Wonderment* that is about to begin.

I'm thinking of the children.




*=that's what they'll call it for short. No single stream of awesome words will be able to do it justice.