Election Liveblog! Oh the Humanity!

See, I came up with this idea to track what I think and feel as I watch election coverage LIVE LIVE LIVE with this fancy internet thing. I hope it someday catches on.

4:04 pm- So I had some laptop issues and now I'm here to... fucking hell, I already missed the first slate of poll closures. Here, let me catch you up... uh... OK, nobody is really calling anything but KY (McCain) and VT (Obama). So Jack Daniels went GOP and America's Socialist Heartland went for Obama. This was a stupid idea.

4:17 pm- Just a note of housekeeping: I promised the Google/Blogger people that I'd do what I could to limit the tsunami of traffic and not crash their servers. Just do me a favor and spread your attentions around to other liveblogs so as not to inundate my hosts.

Also, another note: a night when your spouse is out of town and you have three kids who have homework to do? Maybe not the most conducive to paying attention to a liveblog. The self-imposed stress level is... curious. I am considering starting drinking soon.

4:29 pm- As I look at MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, I can't help but wonder: if I didn't KNOW that she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all, would I still be all ready to tear that up, given the chance? Is she just a regular looking girl with a lopsided right-talking face that is only made intriguing because she would feel nothing for me? And doees this also explain my attraction to Heidi Klum?

4:45 pm- While I applaud the people at HDNET for putting together a team to compete and cable news, if you're HDNET, you have a paricularl responsibility to not put fuck-ugly troglodytes on the air. That's a lot of pixels worth of detail. I swear to God I can see every pus bubble Dan Rather's conjunctivitis.

4:59 pm- BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING According to the robocall I just got, Obama hates the gays. If the Riverside County registrar of voters is reading this (and I assume s/he is), please change my vote from AGAINST Prop. 8 to FOR Prop. 8. Thank you.

Also: Obama wins PA, NH, ME, MD, NJ, DE, IL, DC, MA, CT. McCain wins OK, TN. Some others probably that I missed.

But I'll keep you posted on that Obama vs. the Gays thing. That could be big.

5:20 pm- Turns out only NBC/MSNBC have called PA for Obama, which means of course that we will find out at about 4 am that Pennsylvania has in fact been won by George W. Bush.

5:23 pm- I checked back with the HDNET coverage. Coincidentally, I just bought a gun online. And just one bullet.

5:34 pm - I apologize what I said about HDNET. It's not so boring that I want to kill myself. It turns out that I simply misunderstood. Instead of a television broadcast, they've decided to broadcast a still digital painting with a droning monotone buzz for background noise. Very avant garde.

5:45 pm- Rudy Giuliani on ABC just now: turns out, John McCain? Used to be a POW or something! I guess we should be glad it wasn't a 9/11 reference. Apparently there's only room in Rudy's head for one talking point at a time.

5:56 pm- Before I forget, someone should point out how much election night sucks with no Tim Russert. Brian Williams has to make do with analysis from dour schoolmarm Tom Brokaw. No white marker boards tonight, I guarantee it.

6:01 pm- McCain wins KS, ND, WY. Obama wins MI, NY, MN, WI, RI. AZ(!), CO, TX, LA, NM, NE, SD no answer yet. Come on with this BS. It's been like TWO HOURS already and we don't know who won? This is going to be like a thousand pages long if I keep up this pace. Energy bar and a Red Bull and I should be OK.

6:24 pm- MSNBC just called Ohio for Obama. I know, it's MSNBC, but still, I'm going to go ahead and call it over and start drinking in earnest.

I appreciate you heeding my call not to overwhelm the site with visits. I didn't want to be the one who broke the internet on a night like this.

In closing, let me just say this is the biggest triumph for American Socialism since Ronald Reagan collectivised the aerospace and defense industries. Viva la revolucion!