Plug and Play

We all know a deal isn't actually a deal. Every time any of us thought we were getting something for essentially cost, we always find out later there was a markup or a bait-and-switch or a guy you heard about one town over somehow got the same thing for like 15% less. If we really thought about it, we'd realize that the trap is capitalism as a system and the chase isn't about the money, it's about the sensation of finally being the one who is getting over. We've moved past the child-like cultural fascination with fairies and leprechauns and minotaurs and instead everyone has a story about Sharon who knows how to buy pineapples wholesale. It's the same bullshit fantasy that Costco and every store with "Dollar" in its name is built on.

The thing about systems, once established, they're essentially unbeatable. A system in place sets the rules, the parameters of "success" and the expectation/reward/punishment cycles associated with effort of any kind, in any direction. That sensation you're chasing in pursuit of that last 5%? Opiate of the masses, bitches. Way more heroin-y than Jesus, in this country at least, since at least about 1920. If you want to see me loll out into a dopey stupor, ask me about the equity in my house I bought in 2003. In this economy?! That's enough cultural fentanyl to knock out an unsuspecting police officer. And like any good fiend, you fairly openly drive your kids to it too. You get to be the model and the pusher all at once! The real tragedy of the moment is that none of these GenZ kids can afford the good shit.

The only real way to resist anyway is to lean all the way in to the system. What if you're the guy not trying to get what is going to end up being a bullshit "deal" anyway? What if you're such a in-your-own-bones rebel, you're going to stick your thumb in the system's eye by trying to pay way more than necessary for simple goods or services?

That's real courage, I say to you objectively and in no way a setup for the next sentence. This is how I managed to pay over $800 for a new car battery. Well, they told me it was new and I've decided to believe them. I told you, I was all the way in.

See, my car is old. It started doing a bunch of frankly out-of-pocket shit explicitly against my wishes, like not working correctly. Total breach of the deal: I give it a home, feed it world-poison fuel and pay a man to rub it with a cloth every 2-3 months, in return it takes me down the street spending like a whole gallon of gas just to pick up one Starbucks cold brew reliably and when I want it. But no, this bitch decides to go out on its own and get car COVID or whatever. Three repair places later, it turned out it just needed spark plugs, not a whole new transmission (as feared by the first two repair places, who I knew were wrong). Then like two weeks later, I get a warning light. I check the manual and it says it could be (and this is true): a brake light, the fuel system or the drive train. Cool, super edifying. The place that figured out the spark plug thing, they were very nice and patient and tried their best, but a non-constant light with a German sense of humor is hard to pin down. So that meant defeat and everyone knows if you have a car, defeat means taking it to the dealership for repairs. It could also mean "taking public transit" but I live in far-exurban Southern California, so: lolno.

After three days, what they determined is that the light meant none of those things listed, it was just a low battery. Performance issues might be tangentially related, but either way, we'll also update your onboard computer system, and that will be $800, thank you so much.

In the interim, dealerships will sometimes give you a loaner car. In this case, Mini gave me an electric Mini Cooper which was... incredible to drive. Really life-changing in the way it altered my thinking about what the experience of driving could be. But also had a hilariously low designed-to-murder-the-anxiety-plagued 100 mile limit per charge. Oh, and a minimum 12 hour recharge time while plugged into a wall outlet. In practical terms, a golf cart but capable of highway speeds. And with a moon roof. 

So I was OK giving the very zippy electric loaner back. But if I was really committed to this bit, a new electric Mini would be the zenith of its expression. Over $30K for something I couldn't reliably do more than three errands in within the course of a day. Or drive to Disneyland and back. That would really stick it to The Man.