Before the game is afoot, thou still let'st slip

I had several good reasons for not watching the vice presidential debate. The most obvious is that I was borne on a wave of socio-cultural momentum characterized by an irritated indifference in either the proceedings or the outcome. The collective unconscious moved me, like millions of others at the exact same time, to not give a shit. Personally I haven't participated in a pop cultural shrug this palpable since the time we all decided to stop watching Heroes during season two.

The other main reason, one that I'm less comfortable saying out loud given that this is the height of the long season of arch partisanship, where voicing an opinion that is anything short of the fullest of full-throated support will be instantly construed as aid and comfort to the enemy, is that I don't really love Tim Kaine. He's kind of a weirdo. He's got an odd sing-songy delivery, a cringe-worthy, timing-free sense of humor and a weird squinty face that makes him look like a Robin Williams android with the parental content monitoring option activated. As a Dem, I like my politicians to be a little bit rock and roll (or, even better, full R&B). Tim Kaine is 100% Bible camp choir. It's a shallow criticism, I know, but the other side claimed victory in the VP debate because their guy made it through without overtly insulting any major demographic group (mostly). We live in shallow times.

Thirdly, unlike the first presidential debate, this one took place after all the good TV started to come back. I had other shit to watch, man. As the father of teenage boys, very nearly all of that watching had to do with superheroes or superhero adjacent stories, but look, I've committed the time in previous years and the ole DVR's storage isn't exactly limitless. Choices were made.

And yes, one of the shows I watch is CBS' Sherlock Elementary, the show where the guy who is not Benedict Cumberbatch solves cases without being too Sherlock-y really and where John Watson is a Chinese-American lady and oh by the way, one of the most beautiful women in the whole wide world. This would seem like a showy stunt of novelty casting if the hot-ass sidepiece Watson precedent hadn't already been set with Jude Law in those Guy Ritchie/Robert Downey Jr. movies. I mean, seriously: woof.

Oh and Jonny Lee Miller is good too, sure, which is the best news for Brad Pitt. Cheer up, buckaroo. Jonny Lee shows us there's life out there after Angelina Jolie divorces you.

My kids seem way into the show, which is weird since it's on CBS, whose demographic is stereotypically more of the black-support-hose-and-sandals set, the ones who think of a basic cable package as unfathomable decadence.

Again, there's very little Sherlock-ing going on in the show. It's a pretty straightforward police procedural, albeit with some winning leads, strong supporting actors and a very attractive on-the-street aesthetic shot on location in New York.

Further, it works despite the fact that, since House is no longer producing new episodes, it is now the most slavishly formulaic show on TV. Want to know how the next episode of the series is going to go, sight unseen?

TEASER/COLD OPEN: A person in New York does a mundane thing, like walks through a parking lot or buys coffee. That person then a) is killed or b) discovers someone else who has been killed. Sometimes in a fun way, like with bee stings or falling out of a hot air balloon.

ACT ONE: Sherlock and Joan (remember: lady) on the scene of the crime. Detective Bell, a very small man who bears the enormous weight of pure exposition in every single episode, explains the details of the case. He will give the victim's name and occupation and the circumstances of their death, then say something like "looks like a robbery gone bad," but then, TWIST! Sherlock will say something like "this very small detail that only I would notice (sometimes grossly by, like, tasting or sniffing yucky stuff) SUGGESTS OTHERWISE!"

ACT TWO: Sherlock and Joan interview an associate of the victim, usually played by a man or woman who will make you go "hey, it's that guy/lady from that other thing we like!" because this show is aces at casting character actors (this last week: Lee Tergesen!). And they'll get squirrelly and you'll be like "ooh, I think that guy did it maybe!" but then later, just when they're trying to prove he did it? TWIST! The first suspect turns up DEAD!!!

ACT THREE: Sherlock and Joan have to check in with Aidan Quinn, partly because they respect his work as an actor despite his shitty Irish accent in Michael Collins and partly because he's playing their boss, the lovable Irish-American NYPD captain, so he can re-set the stakes, letting them know that either the press, the mayor or his superiors "really need this thing wrapped up, and fast!" Then they will go and interview a second person (who may have seemed insignificant before and probably pointed them toward the first person) who will be played by another sort-of recognizable character actor you like slightly less than the first guy who is now dead.

ACT FOUR: Sherlock will confront the suspect he now... uh... suspects but get stonewalled. Sherlock and Joan break into a house where they have a brief character-building set-piece where they chat about the interpersonal B-plot and then Sherlock will say at the end "not only do I know who did it, I know how!" Alternately sometimes there is also a scene back at their brownstone here where Sherlock does something wacky like shoot a mannequin with a crossbow made out of a banjo or something, which probably works as a great metaphor for the theme of the show somehow. This is mainly a distraction because you already had figured out the mystery like two acts ago since the killer can only be someone you've seen, which is usually like the one guest star left who is not already dead.

ACT FIVE: Sherlock and Joan and Detective Bell and Captain Blarney get the suspect in a room, where the suspect defies them, but then they take turns talking until the whole plot is laid out in detail, after which the person caves, probably because they've been in enough scenes to know their SAG benefits are going to be safe for a while. A short postscript scene will also tie up the B-plot, at least enough to kick it forward as a through-line for the next episode.

THE END

If you've never seen the show, I'm sure it feels like I've ruined it for you now, but it's a credit to the show to say I'm confident I haven't. Just something to think about when the next presidential debate comes on and you're weighing your options.