I Can See Ketchikan From My House

It's hard not to speculate as to what Vladimir Putin might actually be up to, annexing Crimea the way he did. Remembering the vote by the sovereign people of Crimea to demand annexation though means that to deny it would be to deny the efficacy and sustainability of democracy as a concept, something Putin himself believes in so much he sent force of Russian military personnel to make sure it democracied in the right direction. This is clear evidence of a thaw in what had appeared to be a cryogenic hardening of the connections between our peoples. Using bullets as a kind of socio-demographic hot-rock massage to produce the pax Americana freedomus maximus result all right-thinking people want is an American thought tradition that goes back to Woodrow Wilson and the latest George Bush.

We can be confused by words, so I think actions are a much more telling window into the souls of men. Even me: I might say I don't like to be the center of attention, but put the right song on, take a step back and then take your eyes off me. Go ahead, look away. Didn't think so.

Now think about post-Soviet Russia. What's Mr. Putin built there? A corporate-led oligarchic kleptocracy, with a population only not ignored when being led by the nose by a media compromised by the wielders of power and their instruments of influence and a ruling class trapped in a narcissistic self-perpetuating bubble-making machine of their own design fueled by human blood and treasure that can only be got by occasional arbitrary war-making. It's America, but with shittier cell phone coverage.

The only thing that has really put me off is when someone asked Putin if he had set his beady little eyes on Alaska as part of his revanchist crusade to show everyone his balls.* I slid up to the edge of my seat waiting to hear his response. I grew up in a Cold War world, loomed over by the Doomsday Clock, waiting any second for a rain of flashing light to vape me to ashes. Finally, I thought, we have come so far, and now he we were on the brink of Russia and the United States possibly engaging in a true bilateral project of immense scope: fighting over who gets stuck with Alaska.

And then those beady eyes? They blinked. Not only did they blink, but they did so as the rest of his dumb face sneered at the idea of taking Alaska, probably because of America-taint but officially? Too cold. SAID THE PRESIDENT OF SIBERIA.

Bullshit, obviously. So again, we're left to speculate about the motives of Vladimir Putin. Maybe he doesn't want Alaska because he's afraid of all the Jews there. But I think he and we both know all the Jews in Alaska were just in that one Michael Chabon book.

No, I think his worst fear is what I alluded to before: if he wanted Alaska, we'd probably let him take it. But we'd insist he take all of it.


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*Metaphorically? Or is his desire to conquer new territory a drive to establish a larger and larger captive audience. I bet if Putin lays out his testicles in front of a TV camera, it leads on most of the news outlets in Russia, if not around the world.