Curling!

I haven't really tried to make friends with any famous people since my letter-writing campaign to New Edition singer Ralph Tresvant ended, somewhat predictably I guess, with the invention of what are now well established anti-stalking laws in the state of California. It's possible to live a full life just outside the 500-foot restraining order halo, but apparently it's not always fun for all the parties involved. The protection dogs and the pepper spray never hurt as much as the rejection. No, actually, both of those hurt pretty bad too. It's funny how you forget.

There have been a few famous or powerful people who have approached me, but national park restrooms are not an appropriate place to offer a man a slow dance, congressman.

I live in Southern California, so I'm kind of over the star-struck thing anyway. You can't walk into organic locavore boutique grocery or Scientology auditing workshop without walking past five people you've seen on TV. They're everywhere I go.

All that said, I've decided I will become best friends with Vladimir Putin. Granted, it's probably the best strategy to try to stay off the man's radar completely. If you say the wrong thing, you could find yourself locked up in a gulag and then, perhaps worse, forced to make small-talk with Madonna in front of people. Why take that chance?

But! If he takes a certain shine to you, we know he's likely to throw $50 billion around for absolutely no reason, with no accountability and to no particular end. So the potential upside is pretty huge. I could get a luge run at least in my neighborhood, I think. I already own an electric guitar and no inherent sense of rhythm, so I know my neighbors are tolerant people.

Besides the money, if he likes you there's the added benefit of not being poisoned to death by radioactive food. That's a lot of incentive, especially if you're like me and you're worried you're already allergic to radioactive food anyway. I got hives after drinking a Mountain Dew once. I don't want to take any chances.

The main downside to being BFFs with Vladimir Putin is that I'd have to be down with homophobia, which I admit I'm a little hesitant about. But you know what, get enough self-righteous pipe-wielding thugs surrounding me in a street and I'd say you'll find I'm amenable to just about anything.