All That

Well, it's impressive even for me, but it's only the second day of 2014 and I've already accomplished something. Usually out of respect to resolution-makers and their very regimented but unrealistic feelings, I wait a few weeks to really knock something generally impressive out, but there are times when all of this unbridled self-starting go-getter-ism jumps the corral fence and runs naked and free across the boundless plain of Possibility Ranch. It's a wild, feral, stampeding thing, which frightens children and procrastinators exactly to the extent it should.

Yes, it's only two days into 2014 and I've already, as of last night, finished watching all of Breaking Bad.

I know what it is you're thinking: first, watching a television show doesn't count as an accomplishment since it is, by definition, a passive, receptive act. But you know, so is being on the catching end of your first pegging,* but people get recognized for that all the time. Well, "filmed in action and then distributed all over the internet," but recognition is recognition.

Second, hey, wasn't that on first-run TV like five months ago? And isn't you getting to it just now more an act of either simple-minded distraction or outright laziness on your part? In a word: fuck yeah. But having to overcome my own obstacles of ADHD* and chronic sloth only make the feat that much more impressive. And I'm unmedicated, I'd like to also point out. Is it noteworthy? I think we're bordering on After School Special noteworthy. You know, if such a thing still actually existed.

For all those who may still be or have yet to watch the show, don't worry. There will be no spoilers here. I'm not here to cause you anxiety as you seek to preserve the fresh emotional experience of un-knowing. Mostly I'm here to shame and mock you for not yet conquering the thing I was able to do just two days into the new year.

I'm worried about two things: first, that I've given the impression that I've watched the whole show in two days. In retrospect, I should be more careful about how I word things, lest I give the impression that I'm trying to turn my grand achievement into something pub-trivial, like a Guinness world record fact about eating hard-boiled eggs in bulk or being a fat twin. No, what I did took months of dedication and perseverance. It may come across as bragging, but I think watching the whole last season took longer than the actual original airing of the season took to broadcast, that's how painstaking I was about the process and how locked in I was during the periods of time I could remember that I had actually started watching it. I just finished it on January 2. You can use the phrase "...happened to..." in there if you want, but that's what haters do.

The second concern is that, after so grand a claim, you won't believe me. As proof, here's a TOTALLY SPOILER FREE synopsis of the entire run of the show:

Guy has cancer.*** Cooks meth.**** Does/does not die at the end.*****

This is also the part where I'm obligated by internet peer pressure to tell you that it's the best, most fully realized storytelling venture in the history of filmed entertainment. Except it wasn't. But to be honest, I'm not sure if that's what I really think or reflex contrarianism. I have an impulse to say The Sopranos did the whole criminal anti-hero thing better, but I'm worried that if I commit to it in public, I'll have to go on the virtual run from internet vigilantes, putting up pretend vacation pictures on facebook and adding facial hair to my avatars in online multiplayer games like NBA 2K14.

It's safer just to say: I liked it fine. This post is already overloaded with so much (justified) braggadocio, I don't need to give you all another reason to hate me.

--

*If you don't already know, I don't think you'd be emotionally ready for any of the links I could provide here. Besides, hey, do your own internet searches.

**Which of course stands for attention deficit wow I think there are like a hundred keys on this keyboard.

***OR DOES HE?

****OR DOES HE?!

*****OR DOES... oh.