The Old Misdirection Play

I expect it from the liberal media and the Hollywood left-wing elites. In fact, I'd drop dead from surprise on the day when that unholy cabal of bloodsuckers doesn't take an opportunity to try to minimize, dismiss, delegitimize, humiliate or ignore anything associated with honest-to-Jesus, salt-of-the-earth, heartbeat-of-the-nation American conservatism in this day and age. The biggest shame of all is that a few of those bad Jews ruin the reputation of all of the good Jews, the ones steadfastly holding on to the Holy Land for us until such a time as Jesus decides to return and kill them all at, during or just after Armageddon. If there's anything a modern American conservative abides by, it's this: know your place. Republican women have bought in. If you want chaos, just look over at the Democrat side. They let just any old body be in charge and look what that bought us: economic collapse totally out of nowhere, beginning January 21, 2009. All we can do is mourn for the Elysium that was instantly lost and learn from their series of burnt-sienna mistakes.

The influence of the left-wing pro-terrorist pornography peddlers has become more pernicious than even I had suspected. Despite having followed all the honorable rules and raised the most money, somehow "Willard" Mitt Romney still trails in some polls. Something is undermining the basic foundation of American democracy. The only thing consistently proven to beat the weight of cash stacked in what can only be described as "mountains" in politics is a vast, convoluted, ultimately unproveable BUT ALSO UN-NOT-PROVEABLE conspiracy of interested anti-USA groups seeking to invite back into power the party that will demand the largest percentage of their filthy lucre. That's how perverse and un-American they are: they're rich people who still heart taxes.

And today, when Romney was to deliver his grand speech to inspire the nation to a state of enthusiastic frenzy approaching the occasional not-entirely-dismissive head nod, the nation's airwaves are overwhelmed with sneaky, devious counter-programming to draw eyeballs away and ensure the continued reign of the Kenyan Socialists.

First of all, there was supposed to be a rerun episode of Top Gear on BBC America. It even said so in the programming guide on Dish Network, but if you turned it to that channel, did you see three aging British men torturing metaphors in defiance of every Law of Warfare in order to find new ways to describe cars as fast/not fast? Nope. You got Jurassic Park. That's right: real-live dinosaurs. And everyone knows once you start watching Jurassic Park, it is physically impossible to stop. Clever.

Then, most shockingly and heartbreakingly, there was also simultaneous with the Romney speech, the first football game of the year for the Brigham Young University Cougars on ESPN. Now that is some fucking chutzpah. Not only counterprogramming with the normal excitement of the long-awaited return of college football, but doing it using the most prominent Mormon institution in the country is just... well, you almost have to admire it for its audacity.

And just for good measure, they also managed to schedule Back To School Night at my kids' middle school during the speech. The efficiency of their grassroots campaign frightens me a little. They might be sinister tendrils pulling at the Tree of Liberty, but that's some impressive reach and in some find detail. Very comprehensive.

What I'm saying is I didn't watch the speech. I know it's unpatriotic and shortsighted and probably an act of intellectual cowardice on my part, but hey, what can I do? It's over now. And it was a live event. There's no instant replay for life as it happens. Sometimes you have to accept that you've been outwitted by the faceless machine secretly operating at the heart of the World Government and take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. You're with CGI velociraptors. Everything is tolerable with CGI velociraptors.