Airing It Out

I'm not going to do it.

It's not that I don't want to. I really, really want to. And it's not that I think you don't want me to, because it's either that or something that's both more work and less interesting. Not a great combination.

But the guy's name is Weiner. And even though he spells it wrong, he still pronounces it the right way for it to be absolutely perfect for the continuing news story about the man's dick. His junk. His schlong. His cock. Rod. Love muscle. Trouser snake. John Thomas. Shaft. Boner. Old Fella. Meatsicle. Dong. Pole. Third leg. Gnarled hedgehog. Spartacus. Wookiee. Coldstone Creamery.

I could keep going, sure. But as I said, his name is Weiner already. It just feels like piling on. One of the lobby televisions at work was tuned to CNN yesterday and (this is absolutely true) the graphics banner underneath the story read "Mounting Pressure On Weiner." I can't... there's just no way to top that. It's like standing in Pompeii, looking up at erupting Vesuvius and trying to think of different ways to talk about volcanic ash. Sometimes your senses are overwhelmed and there's just no point. Sometimes you have to just stand there and let it happen all around you.

Nobody likes a dick joke more than I do. They're simple, they're always funny and they allow me to express my phallophilia without that vanilla-almond scent of gay. You tell people you love dick and all of a sudden they assume you mean hiding a foreign one in one of your available orifices. You can't just appreciate the thing in all its majesty and procreative, tubular glory; you automatically have to want to swallow one balls-deep. A guy could stand in front of the Washington Monument and suggest it looks like a pillar of marble tumescence and everyone assumes you're a comedian or a feminist instead of an earnest and ardent appreciator of nature's pointiest wonder.

So I'm not going to do it. No dick jokes this post. This Weiner kerfuffle has gotten everyone all stirred up on the subject, but we all know it's only a matter of moments before interest climaxes, flags and then suddenly falls dormant.