Dollar Tree of Liberty

I've come through most of this recession largely unscathed. Yes, I am down one wife, but most enterprises have had to endure some kind of reduction in force to maintain costs and streamline business practices. A 20% personnel cut for any going concern is going to be noticed, if not downright painful, but given time we realize the one day's unthinkable is the future's possibility-of-regular-sex-with-other-people. It's a well-known entreprenurial aphorism. I'm pretty sure it's engraved somewhere at the Wharton School. Probably near the student health clinic.

The secret to my success through these difficult economic times has been to find something that is both a niche and a growing market. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can find that sweet spot, while one of Adam Smith's invisible hands is smacking down MBAs and the entire manufacturing sectors, the other will be massaging your prostate.

I've found a safe place to be is where I am: in government. Once you get in, it's almost impossible to get you out. It's like being a tenured public school teacher, except your boss has nuclear missiles. For instance, I had a great growing, niche-type job seeking out and firing gay Arabic linguists from intelligence agencies. It was good work, indespensible work, but my God, exhausting. The things you have to do to confirm gayness in a manner irrefutable in a court of law... all I'll say is it will keep you up nights. Not a lot of guys willing to put in what you need to put in to make that work.

But then the don't-ask-don't-tell repeal had me scrambling a little. Politics is a fickle business, so just in case, I kept trolling the clubs for deviants, left the ads up on craigslist, collected some irrefutable evidence from a few of the shiftier, linguist-looking types. Sometimes my primary lead was that they only spoke Spanish, but foreign is foreign. They may not have all worked for the DoD yet, but I've got the footage had they thought of trying. Proactive. That's how you stay right, economically speaking. That and barrier-type prophylaxis.

My work-ethic, my unique skillset and my first-hand knowledge of some of the proclivities of the people who make the hiring decisions saw me through that rough patch, though. That's the second way to keep yourself safe in a downturn: networking. It's a much nicer word than extortion, and way, way less legally actionable.

90% of the people I worked with were fired at one point. I was not one of them. There was a paycut involved and the loss of some fringe benefits. Finding someone to reimburse my amyl nitrite outlay was almost impossible, for instance. But it's hard to complain when you're working and so many aren't. Again, the trick is to find a niche, make yourself indespensible, do the things nobody else is willing to degrade themselves to do. Right now, it's my job to monitor the Republican field of presidential candidates for 2011. There are four of us on this. In the whole country I mean, not just at work. Hey, it has to be someone's job to know who the fuck Herman Cain is. As long as he's in it, I'm working.

So yes, I've got some résumés out...