Ex-Mas

As much as getting divorced wasn't really my idea, I can say that I don't really miss my ex-wife. Part of that is semantic treachery on my behalf seeing as I don't actually have an ex-wife as yet. The State of California, in all its wisdom, has a mandatory minimum six-month wait from the time the respondant (that's me!) is served papers before the divorce can become final. That period has lapsed, and it is still not yet final. With a lawyer involved, technicalities become more or less unavoidable. But I bring it less to launch into an anti-lawyer screed and more because I enjoy using the phrase "mandatory minimum" with regard to the memory of my marriage. It puts it on par with sentencing guidelines for holding misdemeanor weight of marijuana, which makes me feel kind of like Willie Nelson. And who has more of a reputation for being cool without ever having once done anything actually cool than Willie Nelson?

Back to my original point, I don't miss my ex-wife. Once you shake off that feeling that the only thing wrong with someone else's life is you, it very quickly becomes difficult to imagine wanting it back. It's like that time I took omnicef for a throat infection and it killed all my bowel flora. Sure, I lost 30 pounds because I couldn't eat for three months, but that doesn't mean I look back on the era with any kind of nostalgia.

Around the holidays--our first holidays apart in 15 years--I will admit to just a tinge of wistfulness that creeps up on me. Mostly this occurs standing in line at the Toys R Us. Or trying to fold wrapping paper around the edges of tiny boxes containing Nintendo DS games. Marriages work or don't work on lots of levels. Being married to a control freak can be a pain in the ass when you're trying to assemble an IKEA bookshelf, but holy God, does it come in handy when the holidays come around. Not being allowed to do something is only emasculating if it's something you want to do. Being 100% in charge of Christmas is not one of those things. Projecting forward, there will be other things I miss in the future, certainly. Probably mostly the alimony checks.

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Sorry. Holiday cheer really isn't my thing. Following on last week's discussion of Stuff What Makes Us Come Over All Weepy-Like, this was the last thing I saw that really caught me off guard. Note: don't make the mistake of watching it at work like I did. It's a bit long (7 minutes plus) and the heavy stuff doesn't come to the end, but dang...

And just as a counterpoint, this made me laugh harder and longer than anything I've seen in a long time. Warning: it's even longer than the above (this is 13 minutes). And it does contain some incidental bits of actual information. But I don't know, it just sort of destroyed me.

These are all the gifts I have for you. Merry Christmas. Unless you're one of my Jew friends, in which case... how's it hangin'? I don't know. Fill in what you like. Movies and Chinese food are traditional, from what I understand.