As usual, I'm leaving it late to choose my Halloween costume this year. It's sort of a ritual where I pay the holiday no attention whatsoever, but then I run in to do my regular weekly shopping at the Rubber Fist and the zipper-mouthed gimp masks are up there on the shelf with... well, more zipper-mouthed gimp masks, but with a paper spider stuck in a cotton-ball web next to the display. But then also there is another display behind the male masturbatory aids designed appropriately to look like sexy, sexy flashlights showing costumes for the discriminating self-esteem challenged adult* and it hits me all at once: the silicon-based lube is outrageously overpriced. Then also it hits me: Halloween is upon us!
There's a lot else going on this year, what with the new part-time single-parent business happening, divorce happenings, negotiating terms with the Russian mafia to get the wife I ordered out of their layaway program, I've just got a lot on my plate.
To be honest, I'm on a streak now where I leave it late, there is some hemming and not an inconsiderable amount of haw and then, at the last second, I panic and go again (21 years running!) as Guy In Underwear Answering The Door. I vary the details. For example, some years he wears a shirt. But in essence, my main Halloween effect is to make children think hard about how badly they really want candy.
All three of my kids are still young enough to where dressing up is still appropriate. Once they reach about 3/4 of adult size, a band of black-clad young men roaming the streets, knocking on doors demanding payment... I'm not sure, but I think that's how Vito Corleone got started.
This year my kids are going as Malaise, the first quarto of Shakespeare's Venus and Adonis and Wolverine.
Halloween isn't the only thing that snuck up on me this year. Did you guys know there's also an election? I keep getting robocalls about it. I think they want me to vote for pot legalization, but they kind of lose their train of thought about half way through. Also, Jerry Brown is running for governor, which is amazing. Usually if you have the opportunity to vote for the guy who was in charge the day you were born, it means you live in North Korea.
Voting is the last thing on my mind though, honestly. Most of my time is taken up considering and planning for my costume. Mostly that involves not doing laundry.
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* Sexy nurse, sexy cop, sexy motorcycle enthusiast, sexy ninja, sexy Chinese takeout, etc.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
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2 comments:
hey, when your boys get a little older, they can do like the women do and dress up in Sexy Boy Scout uniforms. or Sexy Harry Potter, or what about Sexy Diego?
gack and creepy!
i'll be doing halloween this year as a devoted spinster english teacher, sitting home with my cats and grading papers.
Close call. I was almost Devoted Spinster English Teacher also, but apparently there was a run at the costume store. By the time I got there, they had run completely out of cats.
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