Confirmation

I don't really have strong feelings about the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. I'm planning on reserving my judgment until we get closer to November when we all get to vote for her one way or another. I haven't been following the news that closely, but I was glad to see she emerged mostly unscathed from the primaries over that awful Gordon Brown. He seemed creepy and sad.

But now that the preliminaries are over, the Supreme Court general election machine revs up, at the heart of which is an engine turned by the scrambling, determined legs of an indefatigable male hamster driving a wheel in a futile attempt to catch and have sex with the other male hamster in the wheel in front of him.

I'm sure you're thinking: why do the hamsters have to be gay? Must sexuality determine everything? And the answer to that, of course, is yes. Yes, it must. Not only the ability to work, but the quality of work one is capable of producing, it has been proven scientifically, is directly related to where one fits on the Kinsey Scale of Relative Gayness.

Zeroes and sixes are automatically suspect as anything that "exclusively" anything is either lying to overcompensate or is too busy grinding his/her pelvis raw against cubicle walls, park benches or fellow bus passengers to be much good to anyone, professionally speaking (professional whores of the appropriate gender excluded, naturally).

Ones and twos are interesting at parties because you can watch them bleed each other dry with stinging passive-aggression, expressing the kind of deeply sublimated murderous impulse you can only get from a long-term heterosexual coupling. But then they invariably breed, become insufferably single-minded and are no good to anyone anymore ever, least of all their children.

A five can be fun if you can't remember what to call those things you hang above windows that aren't quite drapes, but between the Us Weekly and the amyl nitrite, good luck getting a full day's work out of one of those.

And a three, a true, honest to goodness three, well, you may as well put out an ad for a yeti or a moderate Republican. They just don't exist. People will tell you they are a three. That's because they are trying to have sex with you. Again, exactly like the yeti.

For the best results, what you need is a nice, safe, Kinsey Four. Solid. Dependable. Socially non-mainstream enough to be unpredictable and creative. Subtle, empathetic, but masculine enough to surprise you with those big, meaty hands when the pickle jar lid just won't cooperate. Like Mrs. Doubtfire without the Robin Williams underneath.

By that standard, I'd say Obama has done well giving us this Kagan woman.

I will say she'll have her hands full against that Charlie Crist in the general election, though.

Either way, the SCOTUS PFLAG meetings are about to get a lot more lively.