I don't have any kind of moral objection to the guy. If anyone's going to go sword-swinging through all of Hollywood's A-list tail, believe me, I'm much happier knowing it's a guy who can actually swing a sword and not some inexplicably deathless hobo who looks like he smells of squishy old oranges. Big sweaty foreign dude swoops in and hoses up your girlfriend? Bad news. Same dude looks like maybe he could be James Bond one day? Well done, not-necessarily-ex-girlfriend. Being honest with myself, maybe I'd fuck him too. I said it. It's out there. I'm not saying I'm hoping he asks, but you don't say no to Maybe James Bond. Don't believe me? Ask every woman propositioned by pre-Casino Royale Daniel Craig and died laughing rejecting the advances of Toadface with the karahi-handle ears. She went home that night with the guy who got a callback for a Dentyne commercial instead. And to this day, she can no longer bear the bitter sting of flavor crystals on her tongue.
My angst in the direction of Gerard Butler is not for his social life or his overall genital health. It's for him as a person. I look at his career track and do I see it trending towards James Bond? Not as much as it could. And certainly not as much as it does toward Ben Affleck.
See, Ben Affleck took a concentrated hit of box office and critical success in the awful-but-profitable Armageddon, a bit part in award favorite Shakespeare in Love and his very own Good Will Hunting. That kind of attention and public focus most actors kill for, giving them the right to choose between projects and build a sustainable career. Affleck struck while the iron was hot and, I'm proud to say, made several subsequent films, 100% of which have lost money.
I just saw Affleck in State of Play on cable. Yes, I was the one. And it made me realize two things: 1) Rachel McAdams makes me sweaty and 2) Ben Affleck? Not so good at the acting thing. Put him opposite Russell Crowe and Helen Mirren and the great Jason Bateman and it's like the Down's Syndrome kid they let run around the court the last basketball game senior year. You want him to hit that shot so they can carry him off the floor, but you just know he lacks the situational presence or, probably, depth perception to make it happen and in the end, you feel like he won just as long as he doesn't seriously injure himself.
This doesn't have to be true of Gerard Butler. He seems to have a passable grasp at the idea of how to say things he didn't think up while pretending to be somebody else. But like Ben Affleck, he took his career jolt from 300 and spent it making absolute shit like PS I Love You, The Ugly Truth and Gamer, all of which the general viewing public were polite enough to pretend they didn't notice were released.
I'm not in any position to give anyone career advice. I'm the one who voluntarily gave up a kick-ass job as a housewife and unpaid blogger for my very own gray cubicle in the land of PowerPoint and industrial mauve. But dude... Gerry... you let them turn you from this:
Into this:
Take a good hard look. One of them is a dude in a leather banana hammock who sticks spears in people's faces and then dies.
The other one is, apparently, a Thursday junior bowling league assistant coach. What happened to you, man? You used to be beautiful.
I don't know what the answer is. But I'm declaring right now a moratorium on rom-coms for you. If the end scene has you riding a moped through an airport to stop Jennifer Lopez from getting on that flight to Paris, just stop, set the script down and slowly, carefully, impale it with a javelin. You're already a handsome dude. Nobody wants to see you be quippy or cute or (Jesus, me) vulnerable. Tell your agent: the next script has you wrestling a Bengal tiger by page 8 or don't bother messengering it over.
When Daniel Craig turns 75 and is forcibly retired from James Bond duty, you will have reason to thank me. Personally.
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PS- In fairness, Affleck can fall back on the director thing if he has to. Seriously, Gone Baby Gone fucked me up for like a week.
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3 comments:
There you go again, picking on the depth-perception challenged.
Either picture of this guy looks like I'd rather not meet him in a back alley. But if forced, I'd pick the bowler dude, as leather banana hammocks have got to stink way more than tighty-whities.
My sense of what makes for a hot dude must just be screwed up, because I do NOT get why everyone has the hots for this guy. He looks like a tool.
Jason Bateman is far, far more attractive. And awesome, for that matter.
Kay-Z: But you know the bowler dude smells like old cigarettes and that stuff they spray in the rental shoes. Plus definitely no washboard abs.
KnK: It's the Scottish accent. And the lisp. Put them together with a little misogyny and you've got Sean Connery.
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