Sorry about the delay between posts, people. Have I been busy with my new lady friend HRHAPRUKGBNI? Yes, absolutely I have. There are some downsides to dating a very public person. There's paparazzi to deal with, a whole gaggle of handlers and hangers-on, the very, very thorough security detail hand search when I arrive to pick her up and the omnipresent corgies can make the sex really awkward sometimes. On the upside, her mom owns a country. A big one too, not some fake shit like Monaco or Canada.* A proper country with a trillion dollar budget and nuclear weapons and everything. We tend not to wait long for tables in restaurants.
The problem is that I HAVE been trying to keep a lower profile lately, hence the delay between posts. I'm taking quite a risk surfacing on the grid here to get through to you people. Everyone remembers the incident with the electric shaver and the baked potato soup. This is not the first time I've risked my safety to bring you the bloggy goodness.
What I'm hiding from now is Socialized Medicine. Ever since the evil health-care reform passed, I've been on the down-low. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but since I've been on it, I've found out it's a well-established thing. It's kind of like the Underground Railroad, but with amyl nitrite poppers and public restroom fellatio.
I hope you are all taking similar precautions. Think about it: socialized medicine. What does that mean?
Socialism: a redistribution of existing resources, taking from those who have excess and dispersing those resources to those who have less in an effort to affect social balance.
Medicine: diagnosis and presecription of remedies for physical ailments, defects, deficiencies and injury.
And here I am walking around with a surfeit of kidneys. And lungs. And corneas. And fingers. And testes. And yet there are people out there who lack all of these things, waiting and suffering under the old capitalist you-gets-what-the-market-provides system, cold and indifferent and heartless. Seriously, it was almost impossible to get a heart.
Now people like me with all my born-with organs intact? I'm like a fucking Rockefeller. How long will it be before the wealth distribution begins? There's no higher body-part tax bracket than what I've got going on here. Not only is it all present, but no yucky cripple birth defects AND I don't smoke or drink. Who will be Target Numero Uno?**
My only hope is to keep zigging and zagging. And maybe get syphillis ASAP.
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* Just remembered: her mom owns Canada too. Told you that shit was fake.
** I assume most of the forcible organ harvesters will be Mexican. Americans won't harvest anything.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
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4 comments:
wait, so does socialized medicine mean I'm going to have to have testes and a penis, ALONG WITH the girl parts? since I have a lack of one? what about distribution of excess pudge? do I get to offload some of that onto skinny-ass people?
hmmm. this could be okay. redistribution of fat! not so much with the genitalia, but whatever.
your second footnote is fucking brilliant, by the way. A-1, top-hole and all that (I'm experimenting with British schoolboy slang, since I can't, you know, experiment with British schoolboys. not that I'm interested in British schoolboys).
As far as I know, hermaphroditism is not compulsory in the legislation as it stands. But that would sure solve some of the military's problems dealing with gender and sexuality issues. Except you'd have to make everyone do the same kind of push-ups.
I saw 10 minutes of the movie 'Year One' and a eunich threw one of his balls at Jack Black. His balls he kept in a little eunich pouch. I have no idea how that relates, just that I can't fucking believe I saw those ten minutes of that movie, you know, the ball throwing, because seriously, how much worse *could* that movie have really gotten? I'm guessing a lot worse.
(eunich? eunuch? younick?)
Eunuch. But I overrule you. Ball jokes = always funny. See: America's Funniest Home Videos. Funniest. Right there in the title.
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