Another Word for Cat

If it was just one, I guess you could just go the traditional route and blame it on work, the kids, married too young, midlife crisis, drifting apart, losing the spark, blah blah blah... You know: make it her fault. It's as American as obesity.

If you get caught with up to three mistresses, you're going to be forced to go the David Duchovny route and claim sexual addiction. With the great social eraser of rehabilitation, the rigors of 21st century society gets to be the bad guy, with the magic intervention of psychopharmaceuticals as the cure. Thirty days of totally chaste inpatient living with a bunch of other coed self-identified deviants with compulsion issues, you come out mixing Xanax and Cialis and the slate, she is clean. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of your genitals, a slideshow of which is on permanent display at the CDC, but there are pills for most of that as well, thank God.

When you begin to approach double digits in the adultery tally, the numbers get all fuzzy and lose meaning. Basically, you'd fuck anything at this point. Provided, of course, you weren't married to it.

When the Odometer of Strange trips that second column, it's time to sit down with your wife, look her right in the eye and tell her "Look, I think it's obvious that I really really hate you."

Now that your Sherman-like campaign of scorched poon from Augusta to the sea and from Torrey Pines to the other sea and... really, to all the seas from various points of departure, has produced your clear and unadulterated goal of the absolute humiliation, degradation and dismissal of your spouse, it's time to settle accounts and part ways.

Not everyone knows this, but there is a very simple mathematical equation to find out what is equitable in such a forced separation. Every act of penetration into a vagina other than the one that bore a man's children is multiplied by a dollar amount variable gauged in relative terms of actual wealth (liquid and in other holdings) and potential earnings, factored again by the length of marriage, number of children, potential child support. Let's plug in a nice round number for Tiger Woods just to ballpark it, say $1 billion, and wow... it's going to be a high number. Add in the multiplier premium if you don't want the soon-to-be-ex to call you a douchebag on "Oprah" and the final settlement tally comes out to... let me see... carry the five... ah yes: All.

Every single dollar.

Do you have any idea how much that works out to in Swedish kronor? And they have free health care there. She'd be the queen of that place if they didn't already have one. I'm not sure, but it might be one of the ABBA ladies.