Inquire Within

With Veterans Day approaching (and no, I didn't forget the apostrophe), I would like to point out that I have nothing either clever or particularly amusing to say about all those Army people being shot by one of their own out at Fort Hood last week.

Although, I will say that noting the shooter, an active-duty U.S. Army major, shouted "Allahu Akbar!" before he commenced with the Class-A assholery, I now have to revise the absolute bottom order of my list of Best Jobs In The Whole Wide World.

The top of the list, obviously, remains unchanged with Female Body Inspector just edging out Professional Ice Cream Taster, exactly as they have since I was 11.

After Fort Hood, the bottom five has experienced something of a shake-up and now looks like this:

11,224. Obama Secret Service detail.
11,225. U.S. military service member with a Muslim-sounding last name.
11,226. Crackwhore.
11,227. Funeral home plumber.
11,228. Corey Feldman's agent.

U.S. military service member with a Muslim-sounding last name is now a full 871 slots below "Fluffer" and 1,216 spots worse than "Gay Marine." At least the gay Marines have the option of Not Telling whereas if your name is Adnan Farouk Jilal Hamzah, they put that shit right there on your uniform breast pocket for you.

If you're in the military with a Muslim-sounding name now, you have to more than watch your step. Just to be safe, they have to move in exaggerated slow motion, as though constantly under water, fingers splayed out to show they are unarmed and stripped to the waist to show no hidden explosives. And the self-censorship they have to practice is brutal, if not demeaning. Anything remotely sounding like "Allahu Akbar" must be stricken from speech in order to avoid any kind of unfortunate misunderstandings involving live ammunition. In BXs and PXs all over this world, it has been 8 years since any serviceman or woman named Aziz or Hussein has uttered the phrase "I'll have a Clark Bar." The Zagnut people, as you can imagine, are OK with this.

This is unfortunate as there are thousands upon thousands of men and women--first, second third generation Arab-, Persian- or Turkish-Americans and beyond--serving in any of the branches of the armed forces whose loyalty is beyond reproach, whose professionalism daily saves the lives of dozens of their comrades, the exact same way the 442nd Regimental Combat Team became the most decorated military unit in U.S. history despite being made up of "suspect" Japanese during World War II.

But now because of the increased scrutiny, it isn't hard to imagine brave Americans with real skills, like Arabic or Farsi speakers, being reluctant to join and serve because of the stigma earned by one derailed fucked-up soft-headed douchebag and not for the old reasons they would stay out, because they were just gay.